Have decided to get the neon yellow jalapenos anyhow, things wouldn't feel complete without 'em. Maybe will try to make a video for some variety. Have missed Herzog and need to see more of his work, so much more to think and write about him.

Iphigenia (by Gluck)

Now that the jalapenos are taken care of, onto the opera.

It was Gluck's Iphigenia, wonderfully done, I thought. Had not seen it before, had only read the book and myths and some surrounding discourses. Had expected a more depressing end somehow rather than such a seemingly joyous end to suffering-- I don't think one always needs a deus ex machina to end suffering and give absolution, but in this case it worked well. In opera there is always such a sense of definitive closure, with or without some sort of reintegration, a closure which I'm not sure really exists in 'real' life.

The colors were sumptuous, Clytemnestra (all 3 of her) in, well, a striking jalapeno green. They were out of balcony seats when I arrived, so they put me in the orchestra for the same price because it was the last night, and I sat right in front of the altar. I'd read a scathing and stuffy review of it beforehand (called "Iffy Iphigenia") which said that Orestes and his friend/love looked like bums. Maybe, but not such a far cry from shipwrecked prisoners or people with a nasty depression. Orestes really did have a nasty depression, but who wouldn't. Nobody's going to say "well, I killed my mother, I'm shipwrecked, might die soon, in love with my best friend, tremendous guilt, want to die, exiled, flashbacks and nightmares but no, I'll pass on that Zoloft, I feel just great. And on top of it, this goddamn wimpy woman just won't kill me when all I want to do is die, where is Dr. Kevorkian or a bolt of lightning when you need them?" Diana was terrific, all in Xenaesque black leather and flying about. I had not expected so much dancing. If I were to change anything about the story, I would develop Iphigenia a bit further, maybe more about daily life on the island, her political views and her profession.

In any event, family drama can be sublime.

My other favorite thematic developments were the strandedness/homesickness for a home which no longer exists, the value of (homoerotic) friendship, matricide, and putting the world and hope for the future and a peaceful resolution for the family conflict into the hands of the kids, what a hopeful message to leave the audience with.

I also played with different ideas, what if Orestes were the sister and Iphigenia the brother..... or reading both as two parts of a single person, a person who had become alienated from him/herself or conflicted and is blind to oneself until it's almost too late as both parts strive for unity.

Am so glad I went. Much to love about the opera experience as a whole.

Here are two recordings of the production with Maria Callas (so wish I knew more French):

" O Dolce Suol...O Sventurata"

"Deh! Peolopea Stirpe"

jalapeno Gruppenbilder

Okay, I think this is the last big finale in terms of the jalapenos.
They're closing the farmer's market soon, and I think I've gotten all the colors except for the light yellow ones. Maybe time for a new fruit or vegetable.

jalapeno bouquets

green jalapenos

on black leather:

identitoogle

Have been learning so much about different industries in the last months.

Have also overhauled my computer more in the last days, getting rid of a lot of technologies and finding others. The whole google desktop thing is great, in my opinion. I've become so much more aware of the different companies out there and how they're competing with one another-- microsoft and google, etc. Google's done great work in terms of making a lot of products free to everyone-- most notably, web hosting and a number of applications which everyone else charges money for, and making the whole desktop scenario much better-- I do in fact think it's a work of genius. I think google's done great in terms of making things so much more accessible to more people. Also, it's easy to navigate to the point where I'd make sure all senior citizens had it if I ran a nursing home. I made sure my mom had it before I left after the recent visit. It was quite easy to import my online life into igoogle, though I only managed to get most but not all of everything before they killed my u. account. I was able to get my storage use down from 96% to 13% over the summer, which was a big task, but now that 13% is just gone and I have to just let go of it. Next project is designing a video project.

Before I sound anymore like an advertisement for google, my point is that all of this has given me a great deal of thought about privacy concerns and so on. Increasingly, the true currency of online things is identity; all of this online stuff makes it so much more apparent how much can be performed. Second life is one example-- one can choose to be male or female and design one's whole avatar body-- skin color, height, body shape, clothing, etc. however one wants. Now that they've added the voice application, it will be interesting to see how many male voices start coming out of female bodies and vice versa. It can be like halloween every day, and people can have as many identities as they want. Speaking of which, I don't yet have a halloween costume.

I am headed off to the opera now and will try to blog about it in the next day or so. Too much gorgeous weather these days to be indoors very much.

winds of the future

Some fresh winds may blow me somewhere new... enjoying the good clean air of new things... I think this video is just lovely (it's set to Bach):

cloud jumping

exciting last few days.

Rilke, well-done. While I think the work is enough to immerse oneself in on its own and the words wash well over one, the mention of him still reminds me of Adrienne Rich's "Paula Becker to Clara Westhoff." In any event, the reading felt like the right thing at the right time, and I'm not going to try to capture the nuances here, except to say bravo.

I could also hand out a few business cards along the way, and see a few people I knew, good to catch up.

Sometimes one wonders how one ended up where one is, and what one has actually been looking for. I think I had thought I would be taking part in a discourse that was larger than myself when I started here, and perhaps also find some sense of family. That's not really what grad school is about, I have realized. A little numb at some levels still, I think.

Still enganglements.... while in my program, I had gotten out of and then, during my jobhunt, came back into, the habit of mentioning where I did my undergrad. And so someone was asking me about myself and so I said where I'd gone then bit my lip; of course it all comes up again...

[Beginning]
"OH!!!!! Do you know __________ ?"
"um..... well, only tangentally, have only heard good things about ... "
"she's the ______ head there, she came from ______ and we had her as an exchange student, we were her host family! You really don't know her?"
"no, not very well, but have only heard good things-- of course, I was an English major. I do, however know _______ ____, who went here maybe 20 years ago."
"Yes, yes, well you should meet ______ ________ if you don't know her yet. A big figure in the field, and in the program! We were her host family here. Did you have a host family in Germany?"
"no, but you meet people along the way. Did you have other foreign students stay with you too? that's a great thing to do, especially if you have kids."
"Yes, lots, from everywhere. You mean you had to find your own place to live in Germany and everything?"
"yes, but one learns a lot." (no! there is nobody watching out for one over there! nobody gives a damn about grad students! but you seem nice, and I should give you my business card just in case.) "here's my business card in case you know anyone who is looking for someone like me."
[End]

I had almost forgotten or blocked out being simply hit over the head with one person at every turn, to the point where I felt harassed I can only now believe I never really knew. Now, everything is better for me.
Anyway.....
an enjoyable evening and then went tango dancing.

Good job interviews these days. I've learned to look at the company as a whole in some cases more than just the position, because it seems like one can really move around over time.

Didn't do jalapenos this weekend because was busy inhaling some culture with the most wonderful new pal, the queer filmfest- spiderlilies, about a tattoo artist and earthquake, was pretty bad, and one called crash pad with some of the absolutely worst lesbian sex I've seen in my life. but there's a vibrant and glorious theatre scene here I hadn't discovered before, and lovely to get out and to begin to have more of the sort of life I want, neat how good company can magnify everything; the good places and good productions seem even better, the not so good ones seem worse. had not realized how hard it can be to make friends here, but it indeed can be, and having made some new ones recently has been gratifying and lovely.

cutting more than pasting

Because I want to get a dinky job for the short term which might grow, or with which I could at least work in one place for awhile rather than going around everywhere-- not that it's not fun, it's just that I want to devote energy in one place and then be done for the day while pursuing big things. So I've kept getting the "overqualfied" dismissal, some places won't even interview. I've sought various advice about what to do.

Today I went at my resume again, and deleted a degree, a certification, all conferences, all fellowships, some publications, almost all leadership roles, all test scores, etc. Somehow I managed to make some jobs look a bit more administrative: "greeting people, providing information, monitoring shared spaces." I could also emphasize my ability to design posters. The hard part was deciding how to account for time without indicating that I may have some other degree or so I'm not disclosing. So at the very bottom, I ultimately decided to account for it with my hobbies under "other work experiences," listed under "Experience living/working abroad (about 5 years)" and "Experience teaching abroad and in the U.S." Then I was able to put my computing experience at the top, and it looks like perhaps I was working freelance as a consultant at the U. or something, just helping people out with their computers and getting paid for it. The only thing I added was my highschool diploma. I think I'm still screwed if they google me, however, so perhaps I'll start going by my middle name instead.

home again, home again, jiggity jig

Don't need robots to say that to me, the cats are enough. Especially after a difficult airplane ride sitting between two very corpulent women-- in that situation, one scrunches one's shoulders together and tries to read. The cats run up and throw themselves upside-down at one's feet to be petted when one walks in the door. I love these cats! They're very affectionate and adorable, for cats. One of them is simply operatic in terms of mewing and singing! I'm tempted to give her a script of opera to try on for size. Otherwise, they have chosen a chair-- the one I dislike most, to sleep on and they chase one another around and scratch nothing besides their scratch stands. They're also pretty acrobatic, walking where I would not think possible. They're really unusually great cats. I think the female one, Olive, is a lesbian; she really goes at my breasts and tries to paw at them anytime she leaps up to sit on my lap-- most often, while I'm trying to type. She also tries to walk in on me all the time at inoppurtune moments. Should she have a coming-out party? Really, I think she needs to meet more female cats. In that vein, I have just now read about this Palm Springs literary gathering of women. I am inspired. Perhaps the cat needs a field trip later on down the road, when I have more money. I just wish to foster her identity in some meaningful way.

Becoming more relaxed around my new roomie too, which is great. Before I thought I should tell him: now you're living with three cats rather than two, but it's okay.

Today I made the discovery that I don't want to revisit my former building. Which unleashed some things, to be sure, and I was pretty much floored by all of the squelae of that today, just when I thought I was through with the cycles associated with things. I guess I've tried to handle the whole thing like breaking up, which has been appropriate, I think, if I think of actually taking my body into the building as breakup sex. I've decided to read "breakup girl" some to verse myself on it a bit.

But soon there's an event which sounds too cute to pass up, and that might be both appropriate and manageable and something to look forward to. And, a relatively public space.

Great to hang with my family again, visited my mom's new little a-frame, and it was adorable, it has such character. Felt so safe there. Met her boyfriend too. Visited also with my aunt, who does inspiring volunteer work helping abused and negelected children to safe places. Also discovered where all of my art and prized posters from abroad went when I visited my little sister's house.

Another temp-to-perm position I thought about accepting for a couple of days before deciding to fell through because I'm overqualified, so I've decided to submit a new and more minimalist resume to places for the time being if I want steady work while I decide on the next big challenge. The mental health people liked me, the clients wanted to give me hugs the day I left, and I've now learned that perhaps they want me back in some way; they have clinics all over the place. And another temp job coming down the chute in the meantime.

I hope tomorrow won't be as depressing as today was. And that there's a bit of sun, at least. Hooray for the queer filmfest.

jalapenos embarking on an insane experiment

Oy!

I've been attending the enormous black-tie Jewish wedding of my cousin, and it's been a gorgeous and inspiring affair, replete with smashing the crystal chalice, Hebrew, and throwing my cousin and her groom as well as my aunts and uncles into the air as they sat on chairs. It was one to shave one's legs and find a Little Black Dress for. And a good reason to wear my tango shoes. All of my relatives came to town for it, and great to see them and to actually be in the country during the event. That's my second cousin who's gotten hitched in the last two years, both of them are younger than I, and I am beginning to feel a bit spinterish at 29. I guess that my cousin and her husband would be the jalapenos of this weekend. I enjoyed drinking margaritas with my grandma-- that's her favorite drink and I had to sneak them to her. It was also an event in that both parents, who divorced 4 years ago, were both in the room at the same time, and my dad brought his new (second) girlfriend to the event, who I met there for the second time. I guess it went well, all things considered, though I had to make sure to hug and greet my mom first before going over to see my dad and his girlfriend, with whom he'll be moving in in a couple of weeks. My mom and the girlfriend looked one another over pretty throughly. Mom thinks her breasts are sagging. Great mom, thanks. I think my dad went after the CEO part more than the breasts, though, given the alimony payments he's been making to you. Things one thinks but doesn't say. The "so what are you doing these days?" question came up a lot, enough to inspire one to say, "Well, of course, I'll be going into plastics." Honestly, I feel like I just graduated college again.

This has been comparatively the most placid visit back to my family members, though, and that's been really thrilling.

Next up to the mountains and more socializing. I've also been overhauling my mom's computer and setting her up with some cool programs, and hanging out with C.

Walcott

A bit jealous, some of my pals are going to see Walcott (who, by the way, also won the Nobel) talk this evening. I miss them, and I miss the visiting writers series and I miss the place where he'll talk. Anyway..... enough going on and things coming up.

Here's a quote by Walcott:
" I try to forget what happiness was, and when that don't work, I study the stars."
Flight, sect. 11, The Schooner (1980)

And here is Sea Grapes:

That sail which leans on light,
tired of islands,
a schooner beating up the Caribbean

for home, could be Odysseus,
home-bound on the Aegean;
that father and husband's

longing, under gnarled sour grapes, is like
the adulterer hearing Nausicaa's name in
every gull's outcry.

This brings nobody peace. The ancient war
between obsession and responsibility will
never finish and has been the same

for the sea-wanderer or the one on shore now
wriggling on his sandals to walk home, since
Troy sighed its last flame,

and the blind giant's boulder heaved the trough from
whose groundswell the great hexameters come to the
conclusions of exhausted surf.

The classics can console. But not enough.

"Sea Grapes" from COLLECTED POEMS 1948-1984by Derek Walcott.Copyright © 1986 by Derek Walcott.Used by permission of Farrar, Straus and Giroux, LLC.All rights reserved.

Pamuk

temping and interviewing.... onwards....

Am sad that I will unfortunately be out of town when Orhan Pamuk comes to speak here, have really enjoyed reading him. My Name is Red was fabulous, and Snow also wonderful, I've loved being able to savor it, reading it slowly and really absorbing it. More friends around these days, also helps, simply healthier in general.

Two videos: the first in German, about Pamuk, the second features his translator.

Lust, Caution / Se Jie

Yesterday evening I went to see Ang Lee's Lust, Caution / Se Jie.

It began with a Marlene Dietrich song playing in the background, and had a great deal of tango music throughout. The first song seemed to automatically link or somehow analogize between wartime Germany and wartime China. As a part of a revolutionary cell and involved with a political mass-murderer, the woman-- Ms. Mak, plays an interesting role, part Maria Braun, part Riefenstahl as a career in acting becomes much more. At first I wondered about the Redl overlaps, as it's an espionage story, also about Novembermond and a few others...

I found it quite impressive how Lee was able to incorporate some moments of humor which were unexpected, but which happened at just the right places-- when the terror cell kills the guy's guard during the first assassination attempt, and the guy just won't die, sort of like the assassination attempt in 1913 Serbo-Croatia. The other funny part was the ring, an enormous diamond surrounded by smaller diamonds, which looked like a wedding cake and a bit gaudy in the ring shop-- but only at the end of the film, did it look life-like and flower-like and had actually seemed to accrue some value-- the price for it was life; it would either be his life or hers.

I also found it interesting how courtly love stories were woven into it, the way the whorehouse is transformed into a courtly scene as she sings to him, and the tantric pillow book scenes. To me, the element of caution and reluctance at first actually seemed essential to some of these scenes being what they were, I couldn't imagine them without that. I found the analogy to wartime Germany at first a bit suspect at first and wondered if it was an attempt to manipulate emotions in mass-consciousness, but it was subtle enough that it added to the film, and then it goes in the opposite direction from the Maria Braun story as she begins as an opportunistic seductress and then begins to get things she really wants, no big explosions, though the end reminded me of the Goya painting of the revolutionaries getting shot. What I think might have been shown a bit better was the conflict between her growing affection for the guy and her alliegance to the revolutionary cell and its missions, we never really see her as a gung-ho rebel, but more of a reluctant one and a reluctant puppet of the group along the way; she clearly wasn't really getting anything she really wanted from the group, and I don't see what the incentive was, because she doesn't seem to have any strong political opinions and had to lose a number of times at mah johng to achieve the group's goals. Also, the political issues might have been shown in greater depth.

My first experience with Ang Lee was seeing Brokeback Mountain, and I think I still like that one better than Lust, Caution, but still want to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, or whatever it's called.

I liked this review: http://european-films.net/content/view/838/118/

Here's the trailer:

sun-seeking

Here I have today's jalapenos. The theme of the day was yellow/orange. I wonder if Stifter would have liked jalapenos; I think he might think them a bit too gaudy, subtle guy that he is, but seems open to all the colors which occur in nature...... And also, a flower.

floating bridges

What an interesting temp experience today, which continues the rest of this week and into next week. I was doing admin. things and things with data at a mental health clinic near Microland-- a beautiful drive across a floating bridge, but traffic is ghastly and it can take over an hour to go about 5 miles at rush hours. Temping itself is very much a floating bridge, it's doing much to broaden my experience with different workplaces and systems, and have more of an idea of where I'm happiest and most productive as I find the next things.

The mental health clinic is very much a "Flowers for Algernon" experience- well, not so much in terms of autism as people who simply are unable to function and a few live at a nearby place belonging to the clinic; it reminded me more of a retirement home, combined with a few manic cases who were REALLY on the upswing. All my existential or whatever problems seem completely dwarved. I'm the sole administrator while I'm there, so I'm the first contact for everyone. The people are all really very sweet, both the workers and the clientele, but still eye-opening for me. I think I'm underpaid for mastering so many different systems in a day, but it still pays better than being a TA. May have an interview in the area coming up, fingers crossed, and had a really cool interview last week. Then I can look into some volunteer work when a job's secured. Still some rebellion: wouldn't it be lovely to just stay home and write and read and not need to deal with a corporation. But then have been in touch with a Microcolleague/former colleague, who travels a lot to Europe, which is exciting.

Wednesdays and Fridays seem to be some of the most difficult days in terms of being away from grad school; Mondays bring more a sense of relief.

Tango did not go well. One tanguera out of 7 showed up, and doesn't know how to lead. I have to keep working on that idea and am looking into other dances... in the meantime, here come Iphigenia and Orhan Pamuk.

I call my mother Lady Chatterley now.... she's with a guy who lives in the mountains, worked on her new place up there (her own first property & room of her own) and has bad grammar. He sounds very sweet and I'm glad she's happier at last, but I can't resist calling this her Lady Chatterley stage. On that note, I didn't get why the whole movie is in French when it's a British novel. My dad, on the other hand, has seemed to at last have emerged from his Hemingway stage, maybe. I didn't know what was to come when he waxed so enthusiastic about For Whom the Bell Tolls when I was younger. An affair with a revolutionary named Maria, what else. At one point, he also climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, but didn't shoot anything. Then he took the new girlfriend off to Paris, and I haven't bothered to ask him about the Pernod yet. I love Hemingway too and still try to (unsuccessfully) strive for his concise clarity, but not THAT much.

No more for now because I have a cold (which thankfully does not seem to be cat allergies). I'm so enjoying the new cats. Off to attempt some spaghetti.