Nikolaustag, cancer

Nikolaustag the other day, Dec. 5 & 6. Reflexively, polished three pairs of shoes and left them by my balcony door to dry. Had extra coal and lighting fluid on the balcony from my former roomie and his former roomie before me; we've not now got a barbecue. The people under us do, though. I put the coal and lighter fluid into a bag and used a cable to drop them onto the balcony below us. I hope that they did not associate it with Nikolaustag, however, I'm 99% sure they're americans.Attended a lecture, interesting and very Harawayesque. Have missed lectures like that. Also went to say goodbye before leaving the city. Got out of work late and arrived a bit late. What I had not anticipated was the way my heartbeat accelerated as I parked and entered the building and sat down, and proceeded to beat quickly and nervously as the lecture progressed so that I could not concentrate well, though it was an interesting lecture. That strange feeling when one's hands go cold and numb and one can feel the blood leaving one's face. I guess it was what I would call awkward for me personally. Finally was able to give the game "wer wird millionar" to people who can use it better than I; I found it in a small south German town while on a road trip over spring break to Austria and Germany, and thought of the German club at my former U. when I bought it. I talked to all of two people before leaving, not much of a goodbye; the person I gave the game to looked a bit surprised to see me there, didn't seem to want to talk to me.

Otherwise, working, working on moving, etc. Another thing, I had this very favorite highschool teacher. Taught English and Greek mythology. Amazing & inspiring, & simply brilliant. One of the highschool teachers where you wonder why they had chosen to teach highschool, of all things, and why they weren't at a university or writing books, because they're clearly exceptional. When I was in my second year of college, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember how difficult that was for me to come to terms with; I had wanted to be there to support her and felt so powerless. She was what I would call a soul mother, there before and while I was coming out of the closet and preparing for college, and as I broke away from my family and into my interests & literature. She had gone to an all-womens' college and really inspired me to find my place at one of them and to study the Greek & Roman classics, among other things. She ultimately survived and recovered from breast cancer. That was about 9 years ago that she was first diagnosed and I didn't know really how to handle it, but it pulled at the heartstrings. I've seen her a few times since then, and we've reconnected a little. I think when it happened, life suddenly seemed so much more to be about survival. She had made such a tremendous impact on me when I was her student, woke me up in so many ways to myself and to literature.Now the cancer has returned and she's still fucking teaching while undergoing chemo. I still want to save her, and I can't. I didn't know I could still be so affected by it. Puts so many other things into perspective. My distant relative in Germany, the husband of one of my distant relatives, rather, -- both of them came to see me there, and I visited them for a christmas as well-- is also battling cancer in hamburg and it sounds so hard. Life's not fair.

In other news, got my ticket to Pagliacci the opera today. Opening night. That will probably be the last thing I do here of note before moving.