Freude heißt die starke Feder
In der ewigen Natur.
Freude, Freude treibt die Räder
In der Großen Weltenuhr.
Blumen lockt sie aus den Keimen,
Sonnen aus dem Firmament,
Sphären rollt sie in den Räumen,
Die des Sehers Rohr nicht kennt.
[...]
Aus der Wahrheit Feuerspiegel
Lächelt sie den Forscher an.
Zu der Tugend steilem Hügel
Leitet sie des Dulders Bahn.
Auf des Glaubens Sonnenberge
Sieht man ihre Fahnen wehn,
Durch den Riß gesprengter Särge
Sie im Chor der Engel stehn.
[...]
Freude sprudelt in Pokalen,
In der Traube goldnem Blut
Trinken Sanftmut Kannibalen,
Die Verzweiflung Heldenmut--
Brüder, fliegt von euren Sitzen,
Wenn der volle Römer kreist,
Laßt den Schaum zum Himmel spritzen:
Dieses Glas dem guten Geist.
Chor.
Den der Sterne Wirbel loben,
Den des Seraphs Hymne preist,
Dieses Glas dem guten Geist
Überm Sternenzelt dort oben!
-----------------------
"Joy, in Nature's wide dominion, Mightiest cause of all is found; And 'tis joy that moves the pinion When the wheel of time goes round."
Montag, 24. Dezember 2007
Samstag, 15. Dezember 2007
daisy chains
A fairly good last week. Yesterday was tango, and it was quite enjoyable, I think I've improved a lot and have an easier time dancing on my toes and balancing, also had skilled partners. In tango there are no mistakes, only misunderstandings. I managed my first apology communicated through dance, and it was understood, I think. Somehow easier to let someone else lead, to yield these days. That was the problem before, I could not give up control. I would move faster than my partner and could/would not follow well. But last night I went into it thinking I would try to trust more, and it seemed to have worked, a sort of miraculous breakthrough. A lot of tango is also about being in the moment and there's certainly a zen to it. Would love to go see it in situ in Buenos Aires at some point, though I doubt that there's much of a queer tango scene there. Have heard only good things about that scale in P-town.
Found a Schubert-Mahler cd of "Der Tod und das Maedchen" and have been listening to it along with Breakdown by M. Etheridge, exciting indeed. Also, Tomb Raider, the Cradle of Life... which I've not seen, have only seen the first Lara Croft but it was great stuff which inspired me for a good month. Hooray for Half Price Books. Could also accomplish some christmas shopping these days.
I've also been thinking about daisies. Gansebluemchen auf Deutsch, margarita en espanol.
Found a Schubert-Mahler cd of "Der Tod und das Maedchen" and have been listening to it along with Breakdown by M. Etheridge, exciting indeed. Also, Tomb Raider, the Cradle of Life... which I've not seen, have only seen the first Lara Croft but it was great stuff which inspired me for a good month. Hooray for Half Price Books. Could also accomplish some christmas shopping these days.
I've also been thinking about daisies. Gansebluemchen auf Deutsch, margarita en espanol.
It's called the flower of innocence, but if there's really no such thing as innocence, or if redeemed innocence is only wishful thinking, then I would call it something else.... like the flower of ambiguity. I think this idea goes well with the "she loves me, she loves me not..." daisy. An everyday thing which for everyone is experienced differently. Also a flower symbolizing fidelity.... the question is whether ideas of fidelity and ambiguity can be combined. Able to trust something to be ambiguous, to give neither a yay or nay, neither hallo nor goodbye.... but to continually defer to the hazy future or cloudy past, thus putting both in the present, just being or being with. In this way I think the daisy is a good mediator of horizons, much better at that than flowers (blue ones) with a self-declared impossibility built into them. I do think that ambiguity is at times necessary for growth.
The 68er Studentenbewegung said, "farb die blaue Blumen rot" and the Wandervogel group was infamous for transgressive relationships-- the urge to turn blue flowers red-- bloody, passionate, (real?) I think is a natural urge. But I think it's a greater challenge to trade in white flowers instead... to be able to experience and exist in a state of calm within a state of ambiguity, where the horizons are both recognized and claimed... not entirely withheld and out of reach-- nor, a wild-goose chase-- but not entirely an automatic given either. Or maybe what it translates into is a form of being present and channeling wind productively. Von klein bis gross.
The 68er Studentenbewegung said, "farb die blaue Blumen rot" and the Wandervogel group was infamous for transgressive relationships-- the urge to turn blue flowers red-- bloody, passionate, (real?) I think is a natural urge. But I think it's a greater challenge to trade in white flowers instead... to be able to experience and exist in a state of calm within a state of ambiguity, where the horizons are both recognized and claimed... not entirely withheld and out of reach-- nor, a wild-goose chase-- but not entirely an automatic given either. Or maybe what it translates into is a form of being present and channeling wind productively. Von klein bis gross.
And sometimes daisies are simply daisies, sweet, small, and fun to scatter about, in an "Oh, whoopsy-daisy, have I accidentally dropped my innocence at your door.." sort of way. At which point I can't help but think of pentheselia chaining/fastening up her lover with flowers....
Off to find a margarita & then to celestial greetings tomorrow.
Montag, 10. Dezember 2007
nordic heritage museum
This past weekend, I visited the Nordic Heritage Museum. Though much of it is geared towards children, there are some very interesting parts.
Each Nordic country has its own room: Finnish, Swedish, Danish, Norwegian, Icelandic.
These featured handicrafts and outfits, Rosemaling designs, lace-making, spinning, etc. The Norwegian room had a small section on Ibsen, and there was also a larger section all about skis and skiing, and telemarking. Also a model sauna and fake bread. I loved the reindeer and the different sorts of shoes, especially the ones with the upcurved ends so that they would keep the shoe on the ski.
I learned some good things-- a lot of it covered immigration to the U.S., arrival in NYC, and what people of Nordic heritage did after moving to the pacific northwest; aside from fishing and logging, there was Nordstrom, whose first store was actually a shoe store, and also the origins of Swedish Hospital. The exhibits also followed ideas of national heritage after immigration.
Because it's the holiday season, the St. Lucia tradition is also featured in the Swedish room. I think that more might have been done with Norse mythology and to discuss different religions, but there were some small sections throughout, and lots of boats all over the place. I think they might have also done a bit more showing the wilderness and ideas about nature.
A small taste of it. My mom's mom was swedish, norwegian and french, but don't know much more about these roots.
Each Nordic country has its own room: Finnish, Swedish, Danish, Norwegian, Icelandic.
These featured handicrafts and outfits, Rosemaling designs, lace-making, spinning, etc. The Norwegian room had a small section on Ibsen, and there was also a larger section all about skis and skiing, and telemarking. Also a model sauna and fake bread. I loved the reindeer and the different sorts of shoes, especially the ones with the upcurved ends so that they would keep the shoe on the ski.
I learned some good things-- a lot of it covered immigration to the U.S., arrival in NYC, and what people of Nordic heritage did after moving to the pacific northwest; aside from fishing and logging, there was Nordstrom, whose first store was actually a shoe store, and also the origins of Swedish Hospital. The exhibits also followed ideas of national heritage after immigration.
Because it's the holiday season, the St. Lucia tradition is also featured in the Swedish room. I think that more might have been done with Norse mythology and to discuss different religions, but there were some small sections throughout, and lots of boats all over the place. I think they might have also done a bit more showing the wilderness and ideas about nature.
A small taste of it. My mom's mom was swedish, norwegian and french, but don't know much more about these roots.
Samstag, 8. Dezember 2007
Nikolaustag, cancer
Nikolaustag the other day, Dec. 5 & 6. Reflexively, polished three pairs of shoes and left them by my balcony door to dry. Had extra coal and lighting fluid on the balcony from my former roomie and his former roomie before me; we've not now got a barbecue. The people under us do, though. I put the coal and lighter fluid into a bag and used a cable to drop them onto the balcony below us. I hope that they did not associate it with Nikolaustag, however, I'm 99% sure they're americans.Attended a lecture, interesting and very Harawayesque. Have missed lectures like that. Also went to say goodbye before leaving the city. Got out of work late and arrived a bit late. What I had not anticipated was the way my heartbeat accelerated as I parked and entered the building and sat down, and proceeded to beat quickly and nervously as the lecture progressed so that I could not concentrate well, though it was an interesting lecture. That strange feeling when one's hands go cold and numb and one can feel the blood leaving one's face. I guess it was what I would call awkward for me personally. Finally was able to give the game "wer wird millionar" to people who can use it better than I; I found it in a small south German town while on a road trip over spring break to Austria and Germany, and thought of the German club at my former U. when I bought it. I talked to all of two people before leaving, not much of a goodbye; the person I gave the game to looked a bit surprised to see me there, didn't seem to want to talk to me.
Otherwise, working, working on moving, etc. Another thing, I had this very favorite highschool teacher. Taught English and Greek mythology. Amazing & inspiring, & simply brilliant. One of the highschool teachers where you wonder why they had chosen to teach highschool, of all things, and why they weren't at a university or writing books, because they're clearly exceptional. When I was in my second year of college, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember how difficult that was for me to come to terms with; I had wanted to be there to support her and felt so powerless. She was what I would call a soul mother, there before and while I was coming out of the closet and preparing for college, and as I broke away from my family and into my interests & literature. She had gone to an all-womens' college and really inspired me to find my place at one of them and to study the Greek & Roman classics, among other things. She ultimately survived and recovered from breast cancer. That was about 9 years ago that she was first diagnosed and I didn't know really how to handle it, but it pulled at the heartstrings. I've seen her a few times since then, and we've reconnected a little. I think when it happened, life suddenly seemed so much more to be about survival. She had made such a tremendous impact on me when I was her student, woke me up in so many ways to myself and to literature.Now the cancer has returned and she's still fucking teaching while undergoing chemo. I still want to save her, and I can't. I didn't know I could still be so affected by it. Puts so many other things into perspective. My distant relative in Germany, the husband of one of my distant relatives, rather, -- both of them came to see me there, and I visited them for a christmas as well-- is also battling cancer in hamburg and it sounds so hard. Life's not fair.
In other news, got my ticket to Pagliacci the opera today. Opening night. That will probably be the last thing I do here of note before moving.
Otherwise, working, working on moving, etc. Another thing, I had this very favorite highschool teacher. Taught English and Greek mythology. Amazing & inspiring, & simply brilliant. One of the highschool teachers where you wonder why they had chosen to teach highschool, of all things, and why they weren't at a university or writing books, because they're clearly exceptional. When I was in my second year of college, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember how difficult that was for me to come to terms with; I had wanted to be there to support her and felt so powerless. She was what I would call a soul mother, there before and while I was coming out of the closet and preparing for college, and as I broke away from my family and into my interests & literature. She had gone to an all-womens' college and really inspired me to find my place at one of them and to study the Greek & Roman classics, among other things. She ultimately survived and recovered from breast cancer. That was about 9 years ago that she was first diagnosed and I didn't know really how to handle it, but it pulled at the heartstrings. I've seen her a few times since then, and we've reconnected a little. I think when it happened, life suddenly seemed so much more to be about survival. She had made such a tremendous impact on me when I was her student, woke me up in so many ways to myself and to literature.Now the cancer has returned and she's still fucking teaching while undergoing chemo. I still want to save her, and I can't. I didn't know I could still be so affected by it. Puts so many other things into perspective. My distant relative in Germany, the husband of one of my distant relatives, rather, -- both of them came to see me there, and I visited them for a christmas as well-- is also battling cancer in hamburg and it sounds so hard. Life's not fair.
In other news, got my ticket to Pagliacci the opera today. Opening night. That will probably be the last thing I do here of note before moving.
Freitag, 30. November 2007
the belmont, ach.
Well, over lunch today I buried myself in the stranger. I found out about this party, for yet another spat of cool things which is being sacrificed to, well, nothing less than condos. So I decided to try to get tickets to the thing after work, because, well, I like the area, and had spent some time in pubs there, back when I was dating much more. The gay male bar was also neat. The tickets had sold out at 9:30am, tickets first went on sale at 8. I guess it was a bit like lemmings going to the pastry shop, because he said there were about 500 people who wanted tickets and couldn't get any, so he said there would likely be a block party outside of the buildings which will meet their demise. At least I got a great fruit tart, but I don't know if I want to be outdoors between 10:30pm and 2 or so, though I may try to stop by if I can find parking somewhere. Condos have really become a thing here; while I was interviewing potential roomies, at least half asked if condos would be going up in front of the place, obscuring the view. I don't know of any. My roomie and I are both moving out, my feeling is that they'll raise the rent for the next tenant. The city is turning into something else entirely.
Samstag, 24. November 2007
crystalline and cold
have been getting into technicalities now, of moving, of jobs, of everything, fortunately, all seems to be working out, and beginning to learn more about the industry I'm entering. the thought of it all still makes me happy. doing stuff which has "real world" application. And can even be transplanted to the "windy planet" to sustain life there, I think the "windy planet" is Neptune. I've never moved in a january, and that should be interesting.
reluctant to give up my cool place which I share with my cool roomie and the two nice cats, and also the city and some people here. The art of losing is hard to master....
today worked at the clinic, and sent mom, who's visiting these days for t-day, sightseeing. then we have the weekend to do things. a good Danksfest, I think. good to have mom around, if a times stressful, but glad to have her here.
the days have been crystalline and cold.
but the sun, who can complain, inspires one to get out with a goal of hot spiced cider.
it only took "them" one day after thanksgiving to set up christmas lights and decorations everywhere, can see all the new lights from my balcony. I wonder if I'm expected to decorate as a part of my temp job. I don't want to until about 2 weeks before christmas. Like all these mental health clients with family lives broken every which way need to have a reminder of the impending holiday season when they come for therapy. I think instead I will create a "Christmas free safe zone" in the office, which will involve perhaps one paper snowflake, and that's it. Is that healthy? I don't know. I also need to think about all the kids who come through the clinic, some of them lost or dropped or coping or not coping well at all.
I'm knackered, as penny would say, and sleeping in tomorrow.
Still need to make more friends in my immediate areas, trust still an issue.
Glad to have some of the space I need to set some of the broken parts so they'll be fixed and better to go for the next thing.
reluctant to give up my cool place which I share with my cool roomie and the two nice cats, and also the city and some people here. The art of losing is hard to master....
today worked at the clinic, and sent mom, who's visiting these days for t-day, sightseeing. then we have the weekend to do things. a good Danksfest, I think. good to have mom around, if a times stressful, but glad to have her here.
the days have been crystalline and cold.
but the sun, who can complain, inspires one to get out with a goal of hot spiced cider.
it only took "them" one day after thanksgiving to set up christmas lights and decorations everywhere, can see all the new lights from my balcony. I wonder if I'm expected to decorate as a part of my temp job. I don't want to until about 2 weeks before christmas. Like all these mental health clients with family lives broken every which way need to have a reminder of the impending holiday season when they come for therapy. I think instead I will create a "Christmas free safe zone" in the office, which will involve perhaps one paper snowflake, and that's it. Is that healthy? I don't know. I also need to think about all the kids who come through the clinic, some of them lost or dropped or coping or not coping well at all.
I'm knackered, as penny would say, and sleeping in tomorrow.
Still need to make more friends in my immediate areas, trust still an issue.
Glad to have some of the space I need to set some of the broken parts so they'll be fixed and better to go for the next thing.
Samstag, 17. November 2007
sunspots
a good day yesterday, even some spots of sun. busy. a quiet day at work and listened to the Zauberfloete on the computer there all day. c. picked me up from work and we went to have some fondue and something to drink at the b&o on the way home and then did phone conversations and opening things, c had left things all over my room and apartment for me to discover when I returned, and even found a bouquet with jalapenos in it. it was wonderful that she could visit. then went to dinner at the ballroom and met two pals for a drink, but decided to call it an early night because we needed to get up at 5:30 to take c. to the airport; she has to work today. so tonight will be the salsa dancing and today I went to bed after going to the airport and slept really late. people at work somehow found out it was my birthday, and gave me a cupcake, & the temp agency sent me a card. I think that's the first time any workplace has done anything for me on my birthday. I also put my hundertwasser pictures up in my workspace. all the other clinics put their admin. behind glass panels and near escape doors to protect them from the dangerously mentally ill, but I don't have a glass panel or handy escape route unless I try to jump out a window or hide under my desk. I've never really felt unsafe, but yesterday one of the clients who wasn't quite all there kept hitting on me and trying to get a date and asking personal questions. This was in the presence of two other clients, one of whom was blind. So the guy sits down again in the waiting area after I try "I'm busy," "why do you want to know?" and so on, and time elapses. Then the blind client, who could not see that the guy was still there, was like "how uncomfortable" and went off about the incident in front of the guy, who still gave me a leery smile and hinted that he wanted to see me outside of work when he left. it's been interesting work.....
still lots to think about and adjust to. feel like only now can I begin to be objective about my academic work, after getting some distance and breathing space on it, and feeling safer.
I guess I feel like I'm getting old, too.
c. also brought me "galleys" (advance reader's editions, uncorrected bound proofs) of Schlink's Homecoming and Hershon's The German Bride, along with "real" editions of Atwood's Penelopeia, and Hofstaedter's I am a Strange Loop, all of which I'm looking forward to reading.
still lots to think about and adjust to. feel like only now can I begin to be objective about my academic work, after getting some distance and breathing space on it, and feeling safer.
I guess I feel like I'm getting old, too.
c. also brought me "galleys" (advance reader's editions, uncorrected bound proofs) of Schlink's Homecoming and Hershon's The German Bride, along with "real" editions of Atwood's Penelopeia, and Hofstaedter's I am a Strange Loop, all of which I'm looking forward to reading.
Donnerstag, 15. November 2007
so, what I'm going to do with that.....
so, took the job.
will move in jan/feb, it looks like. excited about it! negotiated a bit to make a good offer even better. It's almost like I'm a newly hired professor at a "snooty" college, only moving expenses are paid, too. and, the work I'll do is good for the environment and the future, and, I get to travel to Germany sometimes and use all my German skills on a daily basis.
chloe's come to visit for my b-day for a few days. that's been very nice so far, as I have about one friend here now apart from my roommate, and haven't decided what to do to celebrate.
what to do, what to do.
in my program, there were lots of birthdays to celebrate and sometimes we celebrated together. well, I have c. and I have my one friend and I'm sure we can figure something out.
I don't have the day off, given that I've just started a long temp assignment, and usually I need to wind down a bit after work. I'm still working for the mental health people. That's another thing grad school gave me an understanding of: mentally unhealthy people and what it's like to be depressed. C's mentioned how much more relaxed and emontionally healthy I seem now, compared with about every other time she's seen me in the last 6 years. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.
I have also not gotten to photographing my most recent jalapenos. They're absolutely goregous, and will try to get to it sometime soon, but some of them change colors so may need to get entirely new ones by the weekend.
will move in jan/feb, it looks like. excited about it! negotiated a bit to make a good offer even better. It's almost like I'm a newly hired professor at a "snooty" college, only moving expenses are paid, too. and, the work I'll do is good for the environment and the future, and, I get to travel to Germany sometimes and use all my German skills on a daily basis.
chloe's come to visit for my b-day for a few days. that's been very nice so far, as I have about one friend here now apart from my roommate, and haven't decided what to do to celebrate.
what to do, what to do.
in my program, there were lots of birthdays to celebrate and sometimes we celebrated together. well, I have c. and I have my one friend and I'm sure we can figure something out.
I don't have the day off, given that I've just started a long temp assignment, and usually I need to wind down a bit after work. I'm still working for the mental health people. That's another thing grad school gave me an understanding of: mentally unhealthy people and what it's like to be depressed. C's mentioned how much more relaxed and emontionally healthy I seem now, compared with about every other time she's seen me in the last 6 years. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.
I have also not gotten to photographing my most recent jalapenos. They're absolutely goregous, and will try to get to it sometime soon, but some of them change colors so may need to get entirely new ones by the weekend.
Dienstag, 13. November 2007
pleasure reading
another day working in the mental health clinic, it's been pretty easy so far.
Currently reading Zoe Heller's "What was she thinking" and it's very good, sucked me in-- a study in the delusions which power can bring on. Sort of like a British _The Reader_ (by Bernhard Schlink, an excellent book also about power and history), except that in this situation, both the narrator and her subject are teachers. Part of the new move studying how some women actually handle power dynamics-- even the most well-intentioned seeming of them. Somehow it surprises everyone when they do the same things men have been lambasted for doing.
When I read _The Reader_, I think one thing it captured well is the power of being read to, the calming effects of coasting with someone else's voice, touching some sorts of primal and childhood instincts, of storytelling and so on. It is a sort of power of its own, the timbre of another human voice combined with texts from a different time. Can that power alone transcend other power dynamics? I don't know. I guess it depends on the individual.
I realized belatedly that I wore the same clothing to my job interview which I'd found to wear to Troms, and I don't think it was a coincidence. Such mixed feelings about that one. Toiling long and hard over a paper, but not really wanting to let any of my profs abroad read it; still could not trust others with my work much anymore, and no sense of privacy. The feeling that nothing would ever be good enough to escape being valued only for the ability to serve coffee when it all came down to it. The feeling that I needed to do something new and different, but feeling I needed to do endless reading to do it well. Wondering if it was trespassing in some unknown way to be writing about the author I was writing about. Nervousness because it was something I wanted, and an honor at the same time to go there. People were nice, got to know some. Had also there made the mistake of saying where I did my undergrad when talking to one guy, and of course: "oh, do you know _______? is one of the premiere experts on ________....." In that situation, in a far corner of the world, I said yes, and he buddied up to me and I felt weird about it, he was supportive of me and wanted help me with my work. But after that, knowing that he was so close with ___________, I simply could not fork my work over for discussion. Also, I made another mistake: sometimes when I want some sort of grounding, I used to look at the site of my undergrad place, and it would boost my confidence and further inspire me to know what a place it was and to identify with it. So the day before I needed to present my work, I did this, and made a terrible discovery which further demonstrated the incestuousness of academia, when people are hiring their own significant others in their own departments. It was like a blow to the stomach which knocked the wind out of me shortly before I was supposed to present, a discovery which underlined to me that the needs or boundaries or privacy or work of students is never really a factor, and that how hard one works is not a factor either, while it was such a surprise after having sat on a hiring committee and seeing all the vastly talented and accomplished individuals out there who seek such a plum. Perhaps more understated but more violent was the understanding of the pain my mom expressed when my dad lived temporarily with the woman with whom he'd had an affair. Like someone leads you on and dumps you for someone else, at the same time putting them exactly in your spot. At that point, I thought it might be a better idea to simply wander off northwards and disappear over a glacier to unknown parts, never to be seen or heard from again. I didn't do it, obviously, though it might have been the most graceful exuent from the situation. My paper wasn't totally ready; I was overwhelmed by all I felt I needed to accomplish in it and demoralized by the sense of exclusion and being slandered (witch hunts are still alive and well, but live under different terms such as "stalker"-- people set off alarm bells wherever they can to shift blame) which had haunted me since the end of my first year in grad school.
And that I felt I was supposed to compete with people with whom I did not want to compete but who had made so many choices about the situation for me, "in my own best interests," a phrase which is one of the most insulting I can think of. Let me speak for myself, I think. The same people often delude themselves into thinking they're "helping" or "being supportive" when they take the lives of others and grind them into theory or gossip, analyzing them to death-- does it really help the human condition to present papers about others' psychologies, especially without permission of the subject, and when one is not a licensed shrink and can barely handle civility in other circumstances? Who gains from that? Obviously, the presenter just furthers her or his own career, choosing to believe that it is "helping" another, no matter what basic human rights have been violated along the way, the condition of trust between the two, and taking no genuine emotional risk. Further, it's no gesture of "let me hear what you think, and here's what I think" it's designing and inflicting one version of reality at the expense of another, from a position of power. I sound bitter here, and I am bitter.
But I am also hopeful that there are many employments one might have which do do concrete work to better the state of life both now and for the future. That's all for now, just trying to clear myself of some junk... have not felt that my reading has been for "work" these days, and that in turn has made the experience of reading more enjoyable in some ways, and more fun to think about because I don't need to worry about how my thoughts subscribe to different agendas or not or force them to grow up some sort of trellis which becomes ever more narrow at the top.
Currently reading Zoe Heller's "What was she thinking" and it's very good, sucked me in-- a study in the delusions which power can bring on. Sort of like a British _The Reader_ (by Bernhard Schlink, an excellent book also about power and history), except that in this situation, both the narrator and her subject are teachers. Part of the new move studying how some women actually handle power dynamics-- even the most well-intentioned seeming of them. Somehow it surprises everyone when they do the same things men have been lambasted for doing.
When I read _The Reader_, I think one thing it captured well is the power of being read to, the calming effects of coasting with someone else's voice, touching some sorts of primal and childhood instincts, of storytelling and so on. It is a sort of power of its own, the timbre of another human voice combined with texts from a different time. Can that power alone transcend other power dynamics? I don't know. I guess it depends on the individual.
I realized belatedly that I wore the same clothing to my job interview which I'd found to wear to Troms, and I don't think it was a coincidence. Such mixed feelings about that one. Toiling long and hard over a paper, but not really wanting to let any of my profs abroad read it; still could not trust others with my work much anymore, and no sense of privacy. The feeling that nothing would ever be good enough to escape being valued only for the ability to serve coffee when it all came down to it. The feeling that I needed to do something new and different, but feeling I needed to do endless reading to do it well. Wondering if it was trespassing in some unknown way to be writing about the author I was writing about. Nervousness because it was something I wanted, and an honor at the same time to go there. People were nice, got to know some. Had also there made the mistake of saying where I did my undergrad when talking to one guy, and of course: "oh, do you know _______? is one of the premiere experts on ________....." In that situation, in a far corner of the world, I said yes, and he buddied up to me and I felt weird about it, he was supportive of me and wanted help me with my work. But after that, knowing that he was so close with ___________, I simply could not fork my work over for discussion. Also, I made another mistake: sometimes when I want some sort of grounding, I used to look at the site of my undergrad place, and it would boost my confidence and further inspire me to know what a place it was and to identify with it. So the day before I needed to present my work, I did this, and made a terrible discovery which further demonstrated the incestuousness of academia, when people are hiring their own significant others in their own departments. It was like a blow to the stomach which knocked the wind out of me shortly before I was supposed to present, a discovery which underlined to me that the needs or boundaries or privacy or work of students is never really a factor, and that how hard one works is not a factor either, while it was such a surprise after having sat on a hiring committee and seeing all the vastly talented and accomplished individuals out there who seek such a plum. Perhaps more understated but more violent was the understanding of the pain my mom expressed when my dad lived temporarily with the woman with whom he'd had an affair. Like someone leads you on and dumps you for someone else, at the same time putting them exactly in your spot. At that point, I thought it might be a better idea to simply wander off northwards and disappear over a glacier to unknown parts, never to be seen or heard from again. I didn't do it, obviously, though it might have been the most graceful exuent from the situation. My paper wasn't totally ready; I was overwhelmed by all I felt I needed to accomplish in it and demoralized by the sense of exclusion and being slandered (witch hunts are still alive and well, but live under different terms such as "stalker"-- people set off alarm bells wherever they can to shift blame) which had haunted me since the end of my first year in grad school.
And that I felt I was supposed to compete with people with whom I did not want to compete but who had made so many choices about the situation for me, "in my own best interests," a phrase which is one of the most insulting I can think of. Let me speak for myself, I think. The same people often delude themselves into thinking they're "helping" or "being supportive" when they take the lives of others and grind them into theory or gossip, analyzing them to death-- does it really help the human condition to present papers about others' psychologies, especially without permission of the subject, and when one is not a licensed shrink and can barely handle civility in other circumstances? Who gains from that? Obviously, the presenter just furthers her or his own career, choosing to believe that it is "helping" another, no matter what basic human rights have been violated along the way, the condition of trust between the two, and taking no genuine emotional risk. Further, it's no gesture of "let me hear what you think, and here's what I think" it's designing and inflicting one version of reality at the expense of another, from a position of power. I sound bitter here, and I am bitter.
But I am also hopeful that there are many employments one might have which do do concrete work to better the state of life both now and for the future. That's all for now, just trying to clear myself of some junk... have not felt that my reading has been for "work" these days, and that in turn has made the experience of reading more enjoyable in some ways, and more fun to think about because I don't need to worry about how my thoughts subscribe to different agendas or not or force them to grow up some sort of trellis which becomes ever more narrow at the top.
Samstag, 10. November 2007
environmentalism & portland
again, a more personal post.
Just returned from Portland. It was my first time there. It actually feels very European; there's a river down the middle of it and several bridges. Reminded me of Cuxhaven, oddly, with the shops on the waterfront, and also of Muenster; it's the city of roses, and Muenster is very rose-like as it expands from the center, and it is more closely the same size as Muenster than Seattle ever was. There are also a number of hiking trails right out of the city, and several different Stadtteile. Also, visited the bookstore and art museum, and found out all about the opera and tango and queer scenes (strong on all fronts), still need to investigate the academic scene but saved that for later because just didn't have the emotional energy to do it then. A bit warmer than Seattle; reassuring as I always seem to be cold. We saw a documentary called "Corn King" which was very interesting & good; one of the filmmakers was there and talked about it a bit. Went to dinner with a guy who had also made a documentary which is supposedly even better than "Corn King" which was a the Berlinale and all over Germany, but the Germans didn't really take to it. He loves Herzog and Fassbinder too! We bonded. I've been thinking a lot about how environmentalism in Germany differs from environmentalism in the USA. While the USA has many grassroots and granola efforts which are largely tied in with community and communal identity, in Germany it seems more to be public policy and one of those things which people just do because, well, it's the rules. Germans are I think like, granola movements, WTF? Though "We Feed the World" went over well.
I feel a bit melted/geschmolzen, probably for a variety of reasons. On Thurs. saw "My one night stand with breast cancer" with my new pal (the actress ran around without a shirt at the end), and afterwards we traded some life stories. It brought up a lot of things for me, a lot of losses and losses for her too, but underneath it survival and finding things. A good discussion.... I've decided to invite her to the next alum event.
Then in Portland stayed with someone who's been a friend for 9 years, but sporadic contact in the last 4 or so. That was very good, she's surrounded with good people, all free spirits. We were camp counselors together, and she's always been very intense. She's in a religious cult now and travels often to south america to lead ceremonies. Her family is the community she has created around her: her husband and the other members, some of whom live and others of whom gather at her house to do singing and rituals, or "works." The whole experience of being around her and others made me think more about my spiritual life. I guess my work in literature was how I had been trying to make meaning of things combined with the occasional sauna visit and some baths, but then all of it came into question, which is perhaps very normal. The other thing was that she knew me and she knew my family when it was whole, before the divorce, and she also knew me when I was leaving dedications on top of mountains to a professor who had inspired me. What she thinks now is that I killed the professor's firstborn in some former life and that generated some bad karma which she's now getting me back for. My friend and I had led some hikes and backpacks together. That whole summer and year before I left for Germany for the first time seems so idyllic to me now. I think when I left for the first time, I thought I was going somewhere I would feel safe, where people were honest to a fault, and somewhere where I had distant geneological ties, and while the idea of now really safety and honesty depends, both geneological and friendship ties there have certainly deepened.
Then I returned to Seattle today and had to cry again about the whole academic death and where-the-hell-do-I-belong thing, but now am better. It's okay to feel that one has no home. I just have a hard time adjusting to life without Germanistik. But other things come to mind, for example, Muenchener Freiheit's song "Du bist Energie fuer mich" which one of my 55-year old flings introduced me to while I was in Muenster. Also, the whole Don Quixote thing. I feel that my academic career has been much about chasing after windmills. Why not just manufacture the damn windmills and make a profit, and make them clearly a post which would withstand anything and which nobody would mistake for anything, than chase after them?
anyway, the interview went well and the guy can wait a few months for me to organize a move. just have a week to decide about it.
Just returned from Portland. It was my first time there. It actually feels very European; there's a river down the middle of it and several bridges. Reminded me of Cuxhaven, oddly, with the shops on the waterfront, and also of Muenster; it's the city of roses, and Muenster is very rose-like as it expands from the center, and it is more closely the same size as Muenster than Seattle ever was. There are also a number of hiking trails right out of the city, and several different Stadtteile. Also, visited the bookstore and art museum, and found out all about the opera and tango and queer scenes (strong on all fronts), still need to investigate the academic scene but saved that for later because just didn't have the emotional energy to do it then. A bit warmer than Seattle; reassuring as I always seem to be cold. We saw a documentary called "Corn King" which was very interesting & good; one of the filmmakers was there and talked about it a bit. Went to dinner with a guy who had also made a documentary which is supposedly even better than "Corn King" which was a the Berlinale and all over Germany, but the Germans didn't really take to it. He loves Herzog and Fassbinder too! We bonded. I've been thinking a lot about how environmentalism in Germany differs from environmentalism in the USA. While the USA has many grassroots and granola efforts which are largely tied in with community and communal identity, in Germany it seems more to be public policy and one of those things which people just do because, well, it's the rules. Germans are I think like, granola movements, WTF? Though "We Feed the World" went over well.
I feel a bit melted/geschmolzen, probably for a variety of reasons. On Thurs. saw "My one night stand with breast cancer" with my new pal (the actress ran around without a shirt at the end), and afterwards we traded some life stories. It brought up a lot of things for me, a lot of losses and losses for her too, but underneath it survival and finding things. A good discussion.... I've decided to invite her to the next alum event.
Then in Portland stayed with someone who's been a friend for 9 years, but sporadic contact in the last 4 or so. That was very good, she's surrounded with good people, all free spirits. We were camp counselors together, and she's always been very intense. She's in a religious cult now and travels often to south america to lead ceremonies. Her family is the community she has created around her: her husband and the other members, some of whom live and others of whom gather at her house to do singing and rituals, or "works." The whole experience of being around her and others made me think more about my spiritual life. I guess my work in literature was how I had been trying to make meaning of things combined with the occasional sauna visit and some baths, but then all of it came into question, which is perhaps very normal. The other thing was that she knew me and she knew my family when it was whole, before the divorce, and she also knew me when I was leaving dedications on top of mountains to a professor who had inspired me. What she thinks now is that I killed the professor's firstborn in some former life and that generated some bad karma which she's now getting me back for. My friend and I had led some hikes and backpacks together. That whole summer and year before I left for Germany for the first time seems so idyllic to me now. I think when I left for the first time, I thought I was going somewhere I would feel safe, where people were honest to a fault, and somewhere where I had distant geneological ties, and while the idea of now really safety and honesty depends, both geneological and friendship ties there have certainly deepened.
Then I returned to Seattle today and had to cry again about the whole academic death and where-the-hell-do-I-belong thing, but now am better. It's okay to feel that one has no home. I just have a hard time adjusting to life without Germanistik. But other things come to mind, for example, Muenchener Freiheit's song "Du bist Energie fuer mich" which one of my 55-year old flings introduced me to while I was in Muenster. Also, the whole Don Quixote thing. I feel that my academic career has been much about chasing after windmills. Why not just manufacture the damn windmills and make a profit, and make them clearly a post which would withstand anything and which nobody would mistake for anything, than chase after them?
anyway, the interview went well and the guy can wait a few months for me to organize a move. just have a week to decide about it.
Mittwoch, 7. November 2007
new work
A bit of a whirr. Today started a new longer-term job, one which grew out of a temp job I'd done well and had liked. It does provide a bit more constancy, and is relatively close to home, and pretty interesting.
Today was the first day, had my training, and was all nervous for it. On the way to work, I thought "uohh, moechte jemand, die mich dabei an der Hand halten" like the small children who were paired off always walking in a line near the bus stop at my old work.
It was okay, though, had my training and know what I will do differently and better from how it's being done now. Also opportunities to learn about various psychiatric conditions and other things, and an interesting part of town I'd not visited much before, but close to other parts I know well. The only thing was that I had forgotten my money and cards, like my driver's license, and so didn't really eat much beyond tea all day. But now I've had dinner and am better. I was always one of those kids who needed notes pinned onto her so things wouldn't be forgotten and I wonder how I will do in such a detail-oriented position. As long as there are lists and systems, I should be okay. I go back tomorrow, and then this weekend visit Portland. Still reading Pamuk's Snow.
It was a bit of a shock to look at the schedule and to see one day off for Christmas. I wonder if that means I can't visit my family and maybe ski, an icky thought on a dreary day. Then the person who was training me said that she often wasn't really invited to the christmas parties because the groups she works with can be pretty insular. Any thoughts I had of starting a new Gluehwein and Stolle tradition there vanished. I guess transitions can always involve some anxiety.
More and more, I think that academia is merely structured around protecting abusers and abuse. Honesty, integrity, and the literature itself are not the primary concerns or priorities of the profession, I have learned.
Today was the first day, had my training, and was all nervous for it. On the way to work, I thought "uohh, moechte jemand, die mich dabei an der Hand halten" like the small children who were paired off always walking in a line near the bus stop at my old work.
It was okay, though, had my training and know what I will do differently and better from how it's being done now. Also opportunities to learn about various psychiatric conditions and other things, and an interesting part of town I'd not visited much before, but close to other parts I know well. The only thing was that I had forgotten my money and cards, like my driver's license, and so didn't really eat much beyond tea all day. But now I've had dinner and am better. I was always one of those kids who needed notes pinned onto her so things wouldn't be forgotten and I wonder how I will do in such a detail-oriented position. As long as there are lists and systems, I should be okay. I go back tomorrow, and then this weekend visit Portland. Still reading Pamuk's Snow.
It was a bit of a shock to look at the schedule and to see one day off for Christmas. I wonder if that means I can't visit my family and maybe ski, an icky thought on a dreary day. Then the person who was training me said that she often wasn't really invited to the christmas parties because the groups she works with can be pretty insular. Any thoughts I had of starting a new Gluehwein and Stolle tradition there vanished. I guess transitions can always involve some anxiety.
More and more, I think that academia is merely structured around protecting abusers and abuse. Honesty, integrity, and the literature itself are not the primary concerns or priorities of the profession, I have learned.
Dienstag, 6. November 2007
Kinostars
Taken with my low-res webcam, as my normal digital one is out of battery energy.
chorus (they're very finger-like)
habanera (stage left) (it's, well, somewhat clit-like)
stage hands & soufflouer (I'm not really sure they correspond well to any anatomical part)
baritone: (I don't care to discuss what anatomy it may evoke here, beyond thumbs)
(sadly, the bright-red soprano has opted out of the photo session; she has some bite marks as I tried to eat her)
chorus (they're very finger-like)
habanera (stage left) (it's, well, somewhat clit-like)
stage hands & soufflouer (I'm not really sure they correspond well to any anatomical part)
baritone: (I don't care to discuss what anatomy it may evoke here, beyond thumbs)
(sadly, the bright-red soprano has opted out of the photo session; she has some bite marks as I tried to eat her)
Sonntag, 4. November 2007
Jalapenos a la Verdi
Today I made it to the farmer's market, and there I did indeed find neon yellow jalapenos. I also got a tomatillo for variety, and a couple of others, too. Perhaps I will do more photographs, because the video didn't turn out to my satisfaction, and I think I need a better camera, though perhaps one gets the idea. It's actually my first video ever. This is all I have time to do a la Verdi and throw up on youtube at the moment, though (you have to turn up the volume):
After the farmer's market (bummed that they don't have flowers there any longer) walked around and got coffee and walked around some more because there are always interesting people on broadway. Then took off to meet a pal at the art gallery, but ha, daylight savings time gets me every time and I was in the gallery at actually 1 then, for a good long while. It was good, took a tour, saw some new current installations, but the piece called "Sin" by von Stueck impresses me each time I see it. Have some new affections for some other pieces as well and fun with my pal.
Yesterday there was a tea dance all about hot flashes. I don't quite make the age cutoff for it. So I've decided to compromise with their age criteria and that after my next birthday, which is this month, I can go as long as I eat a jalapeno or two first to induce some hot flashes, of which I am jealous.
After the farmer's market (bummed that they don't have flowers there any longer) walked around and got coffee and walked around some more because there are always interesting people on broadway. Then took off to meet a pal at the art gallery, but ha, daylight savings time gets me every time and I was in the gallery at actually 1 then, for a good long while. It was good, took a tour, saw some new current installations, but the piece called "Sin" by von Stueck impresses me each time I see it. Have some new affections for some other pieces as well and fun with my pal.
Yesterday there was a tea dance all about hot flashes. I don't quite make the age cutoff for it. So I've decided to compromise with their age criteria and that after my next birthday, which is this month, I can go as long as I eat a jalapeno or two first to induce some hot flashes, of which I am jealous.
Freitag, 2. November 2007
ballerinas
Got to see the ballet with a pal on Halloween, it was great. One piece using a strobe, and the dancer leapt during the dark parts, and so it looked as though he was flying across the stage. That's why things like privacy are so important, I think; it gives one dark places to strive in, unbothered and unselfconsciously. It was also a dress rehearsal, and I think it's one of the first times I've heard ballerinas talk, I mean with their mouths, and more of the process. Very cool. I've so valued having such an improved sense of privacy since being out of my program, it is important and just feel healthier in general. There was another piece where the dancers were dressed in black and white, like prison inmates, but had jalapeno red socks, and then revealed jalapeno red undies, and then some of their entire constumes became entirely red. That was one of my favorite pieces. Once I had a prof who on the first day wore a black and white shirt, looking a bit like a prison inmate.... but her shirt at one point fell to the side, revealing part of a neon yellow brassiere, as though it had been dyed in highlighter yellow. That was impressive and made the first day of class even more exciting.
Well, it's friday. Thought about going to the sauna, but you're not supposed to with alcohol in your system, and I've had a glass of wine. I don't know when they have their dept. meetings this year, but I know that last year, sometimes I needed to go to the sauna afterwards to dispel some tension.
Of course the goal of the jobhunt is to emerge like a ballarina in a great position, and the process goes on.
Well, it's friday. Thought about going to the sauna, but you're not supposed to with alcohol in your system, and I've had a glass of wine. I don't know when they have their dept. meetings this year, but I know that last year, sometimes I needed to go to the sauna afterwards to dispel some tension.
Of course the goal of the jobhunt is to emerge like a ballarina in a great position, and the process goes on.
Mittwoch, 31. Oktober 2007
Sonntag, 28. Oktober 2007
Iphigenia (by Gluck)
Now that the jalapenos are taken care of, onto the opera.
It was Gluck's Iphigenia, wonderfully done, I thought. Had not seen it before, had only read the book and myths and some surrounding discourses. Had expected a more depressing end somehow rather than such a seemingly joyous end to suffering-- I don't think one always needs a deus ex machina to end suffering and give absolution, but in this case it worked well. In opera there is always such a sense of definitive closure, with or without some sort of reintegration, a closure which I'm not sure really exists in 'real' life.
The colors were sumptuous, Clytemnestra (all 3 of her) in, well, a striking jalapeno green. They were out of balcony seats when I arrived, so they put me in the orchestra for the same price because it was the last night, and I sat right in front of the altar. I'd read a scathing and stuffy review of it beforehand (called "Iffy Iphigenia") which said that Orestes and his friend/love looked like bums. Maybe, but not such a far cry from shipwrecked prisoners or people with a nasty depression. Orestes really did have a nasty depression, but who wouldn't. Nobody's going to say "well, I killed my mother, I'm shipwrecked, might die soon, in love with my best friend, tremendous guilt, want to die, exiled, flashbacks and nightmares but no, I'll pass on that Zoloft, I feel just great. And on top of it, this goddamn wimpy woman just won't kill me when all I want to do is die, where is Dr. Kevorkian or a bolt of lightning when you need them?" Diana was terrific, all in Xenaesque black leather and flying about. I had not expected so much dancing. If I were to change anything about the story, I would develop Iphigenia a bit further, maybe more about daily life on the island, her political views and her profession.
In any event, family drama can be sublime.
My other favorite thematic developments were the strandedness/homesickness for a home which no longer exists, the value of (homoerotic) friendship, matricide, and putting the world and hope for the future and a peaceful resolution for the family conflict into the hands of the kids, what a hopeful message to leave the audience with.
I also played with different ideas, what if Orestes were the sister and Iphigenia the brother..... or reading both as two parts of a single person, a person who had become alienated from him/herself or conflicted and is blind to oneself until it's almost too late as both parts strive for unity.
Am so glad I went. Much to love about the opera experience as a whole.
Here are two recordings of the production with Maria Callas (so wish I knew more French):
It was Gluck's Iphigenia, wonderfully done, I thought. Had not seen it before, had only read the book and myths and some surrounding discourses. Had expected a more depressing end somehow rather than such a seemingly joyous end to suffering-- I don't think one always needs a deus ex machina to end suffering and give absolution, but in this case it worked well. In opera there is always such a sense of definitive closure, with or without some sort of reintegration, a closure which I'm not sure really exists in 'real' life.
The colors were sumptuous, Clytemnestra (all 3 of her) in, well, a striking jalapeno green. They were out of balcony seats when I arrived, so they put me in the orchestra for the same price because it was the last night, and I sat right in front of the altar. I'd read a scathing and stuffy review of it beforehand (called "Iffy Iphigenia") which said that Orestes and his friend/love looked like bums. Maybe, but not such a far cry from shipwrecked prisoners or people with a nasty depression. Orestes really did have a nasty depression, but who wouldn't. Nobody's going to say "well, I killed my mother, I'm shipwrecked, might die soon, in love with my best friend, tremendous guilt, want to die, exiled, flashbacks and nightmares but no, I'll pass on that Zoloft, I feel just great. And on top of it, this goddamn wimpy woman just won't kill me when all I want to do is die, where is Dr. Kevorkian or a bolt of lightning when you need them?" Diana was terrific, all in Xenaesque black leather and flying about. I had not expected so much dancing. If I were to change anything about the story, I would develop Iphigenia a bit further, maybe more about daily life on the island, her political views and her profession.
In any event, family drama can be sublime.
My other favorite thematic developments were the strandedness/homesickness for a home which no longer exists, the value of (homoerotic) friendship, matricide, and putting the world and hope for the future and a peaceful resolution for the family conflict into the hands of the kids, what a hopeful message to leave the audience with.
I also played with different ideas, what if Orestes were the sister and Iphigenia the brother..... or reading both as two parts of a single person, a person who had become alienated from him/herself or conflicted and is blind to oneself until it's almost too late as both parts strive for unity.
Am so glad I went. Much to love about the opera experience as a whole.
Here are two recordings of the production with Maria Callas (so wish I knew more French):
" O Dolce Suol...O Sventurata"
"Deh! Peolopea Stirpe"
jalapeno Gruppenbilder
Okay, I think this is the last big finale in terms of the jalapenos.
They're closing the farmer's market soon, and I think I've gotten all the colors except for the light yellow ones. Maybe time for a new fruit or vegetable.
They're closing the farmer's market soon, and I think I've gotten all the colors except for the light yellow ones. Maybe time for a new fruit or vegetable.
Samstag, 27. Oktober 2007
identitoogle
Have been learning so much about different industries in the last months.
Have also overhauled my computer more in the last days, getting rid of a lot of technologies and finding others. The whole google desktop thing is great, in my opinion. I've become so much more aware of the different companies out there and how they're competing with one another-- microsoft and google, etc. Google's done great work in terms of making a lot of products free to everyone-- most notably, web hosting and a number of applications which everyone else charges money for, and making the whole desktop scenario much better-- I do in fact think it's a work of genius. I think google's done great in terms of making things so much more accessible to more people. Also, it's easy to navigate to the point where I'd make sure all senior citizens had it if I ran a nursing home. I made sure my mom had it before I left after the recent visit. It was quite easy to import my online life into igoogle, though I only managed to get most but not all of everything before they killed my u. account. I was able to get my storage use down from 96% to 13% over the summer, which was a big task, but now that 13% is just gone and I have to just let go of it. Next project is designing a video project.
Before I sound anymore like an advertisement for google, my point is that all of this has given me a great deal of thought about privacy concerns and so on. Increasingly, the true currency of online things is identity; all of this online stuff makes it so much more apparent how much can be performed. Second life is one example-- one can choose to be male or female and design one's whole avatar body-- skin color, height, body shape, clothing, etc. however one wants. Now that they've added the voice application, it will be interesting to see how many male voices start coming out of female bodies and vice versa. It can be like halloween every day, and people can have as many identities as they want. Speaking of which, I don't yet have a halloween costume.
I am headed off to the opera now and will try to blog about it in the next day or so. Too much gorgeous weather these days to be indoors very much.
Have also overhauled my computer more in the last days, getting rid of a lot of technologies and finding others. The whole google desktop thing is great, in my opinion. I've become so much more aware of the different companies out there and how they're competing with one another-- microsoft and google, etc. Google's done great work in terms of making a lot of products free to everyone-- most notably, web hosting and a number of applications which everyone else charges money for, and making the whole desktop scenario much better-- I do in fact think it's a work of genius. I think google's done great in terms of making things so much more accessible to more people. Also, it's easy to navigate to the point where I'd make sure all senior citizens had it if I ran a nursing home. I made sure my mom had it before I left after the recent visit. It was quite easy to import my online life into igoogle, though I only managed to get most but not all of everything before they killed my u. account. I was able to get my storage use down from 96% to 13% over the summer, which was a big task, but now that 13% is just gone and I have to just let go of it. Next project is designing a video project.
Before I sound anymore like an advertisement for google, my point is that all of this has given me a great deal of thought about privacy concerns and so on. Increasingly, the true currency of online things is identity; all of this online stuff makes it so much more apparent how much can be performed. Second life is one example-- one can choose to be male or female and design one's whole avatar body-- skin color, height, body shape, clothing, etc. however one wants. Now that they've added the voice application, it will be interesting to see how many male voices start coming out of female bodies and vice versa. It can be like halloween every day, and people can have as many identities as they want. Speaking of which, I don't yet have a halloween costume.
I am headed off to the opera now and will try to blog about it in the next day or so. Too much gorgeous weather these days to be indoors very much.
Mittwoch, 24. Oktober 2007
winds of the future
Some fresh winds may blow me somewhere new... enjoying the good clean air of new things... I think this video is just lovely (it's set to Bach):
cloud jumping
exciting last few days.
Rilke, well-done. While I think the work is enough to immerse oneself in on its own and the words wash well over one, the mention of him still reminds me of Adrienne Rich's "Paula Becker to Clara Westhoff." In any event, the reading felt like the right thing at the right time, and I'm not going to try to capture the nuances here, except to say bravo.
I could also hand out a few business cards along the way, and see a few people I knew, good to catch up.
Sometimes one wonders how one ended up where one is, and what one has actually been looking for. I think I had thought I would be taking part in a discourse that was larger than myself when I started here, and perhaps also find some sense of family. That's not really what grad school is about, I have realized. A little numb at some levels still, I think.
Still enganglements.... while in my program, I had gotten out of and then, during my jobhunt, came back into, the habit of mentioning where I did my undergrad. And so someone was asking me about myself and so I said where I'd gone then bit my lip; of course it all comes up again...
[Beginning]
"OH!!!!! Do you know __________ ?"
"um..... well, only tangentally, have only heard good things about ... "
"she's the ______ head there, she came from ______ and we had her as an exchange student, we were her host family! You really don't know her?"
"no, not very well, but have only heard good things-- of course, I was an English major. I do, however know _______ ____, who went here maybe 20 years ago."
"Yes, yes, well you should meet ______ ________ if you don't know her yet. A big figure in the field, and in the program! We were her host family here. Did you have a host family in Germany?"
"no, but you meet people along the way. Did you have other foreign students stay with you too? that's a great thing to do, especially if you have kids."
"Yes, lots, from everywhere. You mean you had to find your own place to live in Germany and everything?"
"yes, but one learns a lot." (no! there is nobody watching out for one over there! nobody gives a damn about grad students! but you seem nice, and I should give you my business card just in case.) "here's my business card in case you know anyone who is looking for someone like me."
[End]
I had almost forgotten or blocked out being simply hit over the head with one person at every turn, to the point where I felt harassed I can only now believe I never really knew. Now, everything is better for me.
Anyway.....
an enjoyable evening and then went tango dancing.
Good job interviews these days. I've learned to look at the company as a whole in some cases more than just the position, because it seems like one can really move around over time.
Didn't do jalapenos this weekend because was busy inhaling some culture with the most wonderful new pal, the queer filmfest- spiderlilies, about a tattoo artist and earthquake, was pretty bad, and one called crash pad with some of the absolutely worst lesbian sex I've seen in my life. but there's a vibrant and glorious theatre scene here I hadn't discovered before, and lovely to get out and to begin to have more of the sort of life I want, neat how good company can magnify everything; the good places and good productions seem even better, the not so good ones seem worse. had not realized how hard it can be to make friends here, but it indeed can be, and having made some new ones recently has been gratifying and lovely.
Rilke, well-done. While I think the work is enough to immerse oneself in on its own and the words wash well over one, the mention of him still reminds me of Adrienne Rich's "Paula Becker to Clara Westhoff." In any event, the reading felt like the right thing at the right time, and I'm not going to try to capture the nuances here, except to say bravo.
I could also hand out a few business cards along the way, and see a few people I knew, good to catch up.
Sometimes one wonders how one ended up where one is, and what one has actually been looking for. I think I had thought I would be taking part in a discourse that was larger than myself when I started here, and perhaps also find some sense of family. That's not really what grad school is about, I have realized. A little numb at some levels still, I think.
Still enganglements.... while in my program, I had gotten out of and then, during my jobhunt, came back into, the habit of mentioning where I did my undergrad. And so someone was asking me about myself and so I said where I'd gone then bit my lip; of course it all comes up again...
[Beginning]
"OH!!!!! Do you know __________ ?"
"um..... well, only tangentally, have only heard good things about ... "
"she's the ______ head there, she came from ______ and we had her as an exchange student, we were her host family! You really don't know her?"
"no, not very well, but have only heard good things-- of course, I was an English major. I do, however know _______ ____, who went here maybe 20 years ago."
"Yes, yes, well you should meet ______ ________ if you don't know her yet. A big figure in the field, and in the program! We were her host family here. Did you have a host family in Germany?"
"no, but you meet people along the way. Did you have other foreign students stay with you too? that's a great thing to do, especially if you have kids."
"Yes, lots, from everywhere. You mean you had to find your own place to live in Germany and everything?"
"yes, but one learns a lot." (no! there is nobody watching out for one over there! nobody gives a damn about grad students! but you seem nice, and I should give you my business card just in case.) "here's my business card in case you know anyone who is looking for someone like me."
[End]
I had almost forgotten or blocked out being simply hit over the head with one person at every turn, to the point where I felt harassed I can only now believe I never really knew. Now, everything is better for me.
Anyway.....
an enjoyable evening and then went tango dancing.
Good job interviews these days. I've learned to look at the company as a whole in some cases more than just the position, because it seems like one can really move around over time.
Didn't do jalapenos this weekend because was busy inhaling some culture with the most wonderful new pal, the queer filmfest- spiderlilies, about a tattoo artist and earthquake, was pretty bad, and one called crash pad with some of the absolutely worst lesbian sex I've seen in my life. but there's a vibrant and glorious theatre scene here I hadn't discovered before, and lovely to get out and to begin to have more of the sort of life I want, neat how good company can magnify everything; the good places and good productions seem even better, the not so good ones seem worse. had not realized how hard it can be to make friends here, but it indeed can be, and having made some new ones recently has been gratifying and lovely.
Donnerstag, 18. Oktober 2007
cutting more than pasting
Because I want to get a dinky job for the short term which might grow, or with which I could at least work in one place for awhile rather than going around everywhere-- not that it's not fun, it's just that I want to devote energy in one place and then be done for the day while pursuing big things. So I've kept getting the "overqualfied" dismissal, some places won't even interview. I've sought various advice about what to do.
Today I went at my resume again, and deleted a degree, a certification, all conferences, all fellowships, some publications, almost all leadership roles, all test scores, etc. Somehow I managed to make some jobs look a bit more administrative: "greeting people, providing information, monitoring shared spaces." I could also emphasize my ability to design posters. The hard part was deciding how to account for time without indicating that I may have some other degree or so I'm not disclosing. So at the very bottom, I ultimately decided to account for it with my hobbies under "other work experiences," listed under "Experience living/working abroad (about 5 years)" and "Experience teaching abroad and in the U.S." Then I was able to put my computing experience at the top, and it looks like perhaps I was working freelance as a consultant at the U. or something, just helping people out with their computers and getting paid for it. The only thing I added was my highschool diploma. I think I'm still screwed if they google me, however, so perhaps I'll start going by my middle name instead.
Today I went at my resume again, and deleted a degree, a certification, all conferences, all fellowships, some publications, almost all leadership roles, all test scores, etc. Somehow I managed to make some jobs look a bit more administrative: "greeting people, providing information, monitoring shared spaces." I could also emphasize my ability to design posters. The hard part was deciding how to account for time without indicating that I may have some other degree or so I'm not disclosing. So at the very bottom, I ultimately decided to account for it with my hobbies under "other work experiences," listed under "Experience living/working abroad (about 5 years)" and "Experience teaching abroad and in the U.S." Then I was able to put my computing experience at the top, and it looks like perhaps I was working freelance as a consultant at the U. or something, just helping people out with their computers and getting paid for it. The only thing I added was my highschool diploma. I think I'm still screwed if they google me, however, so perhaps I'll start going by my middle name instead.
Mittwoch, 17. Oktober 2007
home again, home again, jiggity jig
Don't need robots to say that to me, the cats are enough. Especially after a difficult airplane ride sitting between two very corpulent women-- in that situation, one scrunches one's shoulders together and tries to read. The cats run up and throw themselves upside-down at one's feet to be petted when one walks in the door. I love these cats! They're very affectionate and adorable, for cats. One of them is simply operatic in terms of mewing and singing! I'm tempted to give her a script of opera to try on for size. Otherwise, they have chosen a chair-- the one I dislike most, to sleep on and they chase one another around and scratch nothing besides their scratch stands. They're also pretty acrobatic, walking where I would not think possible. They're really unusually great cats. I think the female one, Olive, is a lesbian; she really goes at my breasts and tries to paw at them anytime she leaps up to sit on my lap-- most often, while I'm trying to type. She also tries to walk in on me all the time at inoppurtune moments. Should she have a coming-out party? Really, I think she needs to meet more female cats. In that vein, I have just now read about this Palm Springs literary gathering of women. I am inspired. Perhaps the cat needs a field trip later on down the road, when I have more money. I just wish to foster her identity in some meaningful way.
Becoming more relaxed around my new roomie too, which is great. Before I thought I should tell him: now you're living with three cats rather than two, but it's okay.
Today I made the discovery that I don't want to revisit my former building. Which unleashed some things, to be sure, and I was pretty much floored by all of the squelae of that today, just when I thought I was through with the cycles associated with things. I guess I've tried to handle the whole thing like breaking up, which has been appropriate, I think, if I think of actually taking my body into the building as breakup sex. I've decided to read "breakup girl" some to verse myself on it a bit.
But soon there's an event which sounds too cute to pass up, and that might be both appropriate and manageable and something to look forward to. And, a relatively public space.
Great to hang with my family again, visited my mom's new little a-frame, and it was adorable, it has such character. Felt so safe there. Met her boyfriend too. Visited also with my aunt, who does inspiring volunteer work helping abused and negelected children to safe places. Also discovered where all of my art and prized posters from abroad went when I visited my little sister's house.
Another temp-to-perm position I thought about accepting for a couple of days before deciding to fell through because I'm overqualified, so I've decided to submit a new and more minimalist resume to places for the time being if I want steady work while I decide on the next big challenge. The mental health people liked me, the clients wanted to give me hugs the day I left, and I've now learned that perhaps they want me back in some way; they have clinics all over the place. And another temp job coming down the chute in the meantime.
I hope tomorrow won't be as depressing as today was. And that there's a bit of sun, at least. Hooray for the queer filmfest.
Becoming more relaxed around my new roomie too, which is great. Before I thought I should tell him: now you're living with three cats rather than two, but it's okay.
Today I made the discovery that I don't want to revisit my former building. Which unleashed some things, to be sure, and I was pretty much floored by all of the squelae of that today, just when I thought I was through with the cycles associated with things. I guess I've tried to handle the whole thing like breaking up, which has been appropriate, I think, if I think of actually taking my body into the building as breakup sex. I've decided to read "breakup girl" some to verse myself on it a bit.
But soon there's an event which sounds too cute to pass up, and that might be both appropriate and manageable and something to look forward to. And, a relatively public space.
Great to hang with my family again, visited my mom's new little a-frame, and it was adorable, it has such character. Felt so safe there. Met her boyfriend too. Visited also with my aunt, who does inspiring volunteer work helping abused and negelected children to safe places. Also discovered where all of my art and prized posters from abroad went when I visited my little sister's house.
Another temp-to-perm position I thought about accepting for a couple of days before deciding to fell through because I'm overqualified, so I've decided to submit a new and more minimalist resume to places for the time being if I want steady work while I decide on the next big challenge. The mental health people liked me, the clients wanted to give me hugs the day I left, and I've now learned that perhaps they want me back in some way; they have clinics all over the place. And another temp job coming down the chute in the meantime.
I hope tomorrow won't be as depressing as today was. And that there's a bit of sun, at least. Hooray for the queer filmfest.
Montag, 15. Oktober 2007
jalapenos embarking on an insane experiment
Oy!
I've been attending the enormous black-tie Jewish wedding of my cousin, and it's been a gorgeous and inspiring affair, replete with smashing the crystal chalice, Hebrew, and throwing my cousin and her groom as well as my aunts and uncles into the air as they sat on chairs. It was one to shave one's legs and find a Little Black Dress for. And a good reason to wear my tango shoes. All of my relatives came to town for it, and great to see them and to actually be in the country during the event. That's my second cousin who's gotten hitched in the last two years, both of them are younger than I, and I am beginning to feel a bit spinterish at 29. I guess that my cousin and her husband would be the jalapenos of this weekend. I enjoyed drinking margaritas with my grandma-- that's her favorite drink and I had to sneak them to her. It was also an event in that both parents, who divorced 4 years ago, were both in the room at the same time, and my dad brought his new (second) girlfriend to the event, who I met there for the second time. I guess it went well, all things considered, though I had to make sure to hug and greet my mom first before going over to see my dad and his girlfriend, with whom he'll be moving in in a couple of weeks. My mom and the girlfriend looked one another over pretty throughly. Mom thinks her breasts are sagging. Great mom, thanks. I think my dad went after the CEO part more than the breasts, though, given the alimony payments he's been making to you. Things one thinks but doesn't say. The "so what are you doing these days?" question came up a lot, enough to inspire one to say, "Well, of course, I'll be going into plastics." Honestly, I feel like I just graduated college again.
This has been comparatively the most placid visit back to my family members, though, and that's been really thrilling.
Next up to the mountains and more socializing. I've also been overhauling my mom's computer and setting her up with some cool programs, and hanging out with C.
I've been attending the enormous black-tie Jewish wedding of my cousin, and it's been a gorgeous and inspiring affair, replete with smashing the crystal chalice, Hebrew, and throwing my cousin and her groom as well as my aunts and uncles into the air as they sat on chairs. It was one to shave one's legs and find a Little Black Dress for. And a good reason to wear my tango shoes. All of my relatives came to town for it, and great to see them and to actually be in the country during the event. That's my second cousin who's gotten hitched in the last two years, both of them are younger than I, and I am beginning to feel a bit spinterish at 29. I guess that my cousin and her husband would be the jalapenos of this weekend. I enjoyed drinking margaritas with my grandma-- that's her favorite drink and I had to sneak them to her. It was also an event in that both parents, who divorced 4 years ago, were both in the room at the same time, and my dad brought his new (second) girlfriend to the event, who I met there for the second time. I guess it went well, all things considered, though I had to make sure to hug and greet my mom first before going over to see my dad and his girlfriend, with whom he'll be moving in in a couple of weeks. My mom and the girlfriend looked one another over pretty throughly. Mom thinks her breasts are sagging. Great mom, thanks. I think my dad went after the CEO part more than the breasts, though, given the alimony payments he's been making to you. Things one thinks but doesn't say. The "so what are you doing these days?" question came up a lot, enough to inspire one to say, "Well, of course, I'll be going into plastics." Honestly, I feel like I just graduated college again.
This has been comparatively the most placid visit back to my family members, though, and that's been really thrilling.
Next up to the mountains and more socializing. I've also been overhauling my mom's computer and setting her up with some cool programs, and hanging out with C.
Donnerstag, 11. Oktober 2007
Walcott
A bit jealous, some of my pals are going to see Walcott (who, by the way, also won the Nobel) talk this evening. I miss them, and I miss the visiting writers series and I miss the place where he'll talk. Anyway..... enough going on and things coming up.
Here's a quote by Walcott:
" I try to forget what happiness was, and when that don't work, I study the stars."
Flight, sect. 11, The Schooner (1980)
And here is Sea Grapes:
That sail which leans on light,
tired of islands,
a schooner beating up the Caribbean
for home, could be Odysseus,
home-bound on the Aegean;
that father and husband's
longing, under gnarled sour grapes, is like
the adulterer hearing Nausicaa's name in
every gull's outcry.
This brings nobody peace. The ancient war
between obsession and responsibility will
never finish and has been the same
for the sea-wanderer or the one on shore now
wriggling on his sandals to walk home, since
Troy sighed its last flame,
and the blind giant's boulder heaved the trough from
whose groundswell the great hexameters come to the
conclusions of exhausted surf.
The classics can console. But not enough.
"Sea Grapes" from COLLECTED POEMS 1948-1984by Derek Walcott.Copyright © 1986 by Derek Walcott.Used by permission of Farrar, Straus and Giroux, LLC.All rights reserved.
Here's a quote by Walcott:
" I try to forget what happiness was, and when that don't work, I study the stars."
Flight, sect. 11, The Schooner (1980)
And here is Sea Grapes:
That sail which leans on light,
tired of islands,
a schooner beating up the Caribbean
for home, could be Odysseus,
home-bound on the Aegean;
that father and husband's
longing, under gnarled sour grapes, is like
the adulterer hearing Nausicaa's name in
every gull's outcry.
This brings nobody peace. The ancient war
between obsession and responsibility will
never finish and has been the same
for the sea-wanderer or the one on shore now
wriggling on his sandals to walk home, since
Troy sighed its last flame,
and the blind giant's boulder heaved the trough from
whose groundswell the great hexameters come to the
conclusions of exhausted surf.
The classics can console. But not enough.
"Sea Grapes" from COLLECTED POEMS 1948-1984by Derek Walcott.Copyright © 1986 by Derek Walcott.Used by permission of Farrar, Straus and Giroux, LLC.All rights reserved.
Mittwoch, 10. Oktober 2007
Pamuk
temping and interviewing.... onwards....
Am sad that I will unfortunately be out of town when Orhan Pamuk comes to speak here, have really enjoyed reading him. My Name is Red was fabulous, and Snow also wonderful, I've loved being able to savor it, reading it slowly and really absorbing it. More friends around these days, also helps, simply healthier in general.
Two videos: the first in German, about Pamuk, the second features his translator.
Am sad that I will unfortunately be out of town when Orhan Pamuk comes to speak here, have really enjoyed reading him. My Name is Red was fabulous, and Snow also wonderful, I've loved being able to savor it, reading it slowly and really absorbing it. More friends around these days, also helps, simply healthier in general.
Two videos: the first in German, about Pamuk, the second features his translator.
Sonntag, 7. Oktober 2007
Lust, Caution / Se Jie
Yesterday evening I went to see Ang Lee's Lust, Caution / Se Jie.
It began with a Marlene Dietrich song playing in the background, and had a great deal of tango music throughout. The first song seemed to automatically link or somehow analogize between wartime Germany and wartime China. As a part of a revolutionary cell and involved with a political mass-murderer, the woman-- Ms. Mak, plays an interesting role, part Maria Braun, part Riefenstahl as a career in acting becomes much more. At first I wondered about the Redl overlaps, as it's an espionage story, also about Novembermond and a few others...
I found it quite impressive how Lee was able to incorporate some moments of humor which were unexpected, but which happened at just the right places-- when the terror cell kills the guy's guard during the first assassination attempt, and the guy just won't die, sort of like the assassination attempt in 1913 Serbo-Croatia. The other funny part was the ring, an enormous diamond surrounded by smaller diamonds, which looked like a wedding cake and a bit gaudy in the ring shop-- but only at the end of the film, did it look life-like and flower-like and had actually seemed to accrue some value-- the price for it was life; it would either be his life or hers.
It began with a Marlene Dietrich song playing in the background, and had a great deal of tango music throughout. The first song seemed to automatically link or somehow analogize between wartime Germany and wartime China. As a part of a revolutionary cell and involved with a political mass-murderer, the woman-- Ms. Mak, plays an interesting role, part Maria Braun, part Riefenstahl as a career in acting becomes much more. At first I wondered about the Redl overlaps, as it's an espionage story, also about Novembermond and a few others...
I found it quite impressive how Lee was able to incorporate some moments of humor which were unexpected, but which happened at just the right places-- when the terror cell kills the guy's guard during the first assassination attempt, and the guy just won't die, sort of like the assassination attempt in 1913 Serbo-Croatia. The other funny part was the ring, an enormous diamond surrounded by smaller diamonds, which looked like a wedding cake and a bit gaudy in the ring shop-- but only at the end of the film, did it look life-like and flower-like and had actually seemed to accrue some value-- the price for it was life; it would either be his life or hers.
I also found it interesting how courtly love stories were woven into it, the way the whorehouse is transformed into a courtly scene as she sings to him, and the tantric pillow book scenes. To me, the element of caution and reluctance at first actually seemed essential to some of these scenes being what they were, I couldn't imagine them without that. I found the analogy to wartime Germany at first a bit suspect at first and wondered if it was an attempt to manipulate emotions in mass-consciousness, but it was subtle enough that it added to the film, and then it goes in the opposite direction from the Maria Braun story as she begins as an opportunistic seductress and then begins to get things she really wants, no big explosions, though the end reminded me of the Goya painting of the revolutionaries getting shot. What I think might have been shown a bit better was the conflict between her growing affection for the guy and her alliegance to the revolutionary cell and its missions, we never really see her as a gung-ho rebel, but more of a reluctant one and a reluctant puppet of the group along the way; she clearly wasn't really getting anything she really wanted from the group, and I don't see what the incentive was, because she doesn't seem to have any strong political opinions and had to lose a number of times at mah johng to achieve the group's goals. Also, the political issues might have been shown in greater depth.
My first experience with Ang Lee was seeing Brokeback Mountain, and I think I still like that one better than Lust, Caution, but still want to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, or whatever it's called.
I liked this review: http://european-films.net/content/view/838/118/
Here's the trailer:
My first experience with Ang Lee was seeing Brokeback Mountain, and I think I still like that one better than Lust, Caution, but still want to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, or whatever it's called.
I liked this review: http://european-films.net/content/view/838/118/
Here's the trailer:
sun-seeking
Here I have today's jalapenos. The theme of the day was yellow/orange. I wonder if Stifter would have liked jalapenos; I think he might think them a bit too gaudy, subtle guy that he is, but seems open to all the colors which occur in nature...... And also, a flower.
Mittwoch, 3. Oktober 2007
floating bridges
What an interesting temp experience today, which continues the rest of this week and into next week. I was doing admin. things and things with data at a mental health clinic near Microland-- a beautiful drive across a floating bridge, but traffic is ghastly and it can take over an hour to go about 5 miles at rush hours. Temping itself is very much a floating bridge, it's doing much to broaden my experience with different workplaces and systems, and have more of an idea of where I'm happiest and most productive as I find the next things.
The mental health clinic is very much a "Flowers for Algernon" experience- well, not so much in terms of autism as people who simply are unable to function and a few live at a nearby place belonging to the clinic; it reminded me more of a retirement home, combined with a few manic cases who were REALLY on the upswing. All my existential or whatever problems seem completely dwarved. I'm the sole administrator while I'm there, so I'm the first contact for everyone. The people are all really very sweet, both the workers and the clientele, but still eye-opening for me. I think I'm underpaid for mastering so many different systems in a day, but it still pays better than being a TA. May have an interview in the area coming up, fingers crossed, and had a really cool interview last week. Then I can look into some volunteer work when a job's secured. Still some rebellion: wouldn't it be lovely to just stay home and write and read and not need to deal with a corporation. But then have been in touch with a Microcolleague/former colleague, who travels a lot to Europe, which is exciting.
Wednesdays and Fridays seem to be some of the most difficult days in terms of being away from grad school; Mondays bring more a sense of relief.
Tango did not go well. One tanguera out of 7 showed up, and doesn't know how to lead. I have to keep working on that idea and am looking into other dances... in the meantime, here come Iphigenia and Orhan Pamuk.
I call my mother Lady Chatterley now.... she's with a guy who lives in the mountains, worked on her new place up there (her own first property & room of her own) and has bad grammar. He sounds very sweet and I'm glad she's happier at last, but I can't resist calling this her Lady Chatterley stage. On that note, I didn't get why the whole movie is in French when it's a British novel. My dad, on the other hand, has seemed to at last have emerged from his Hemingway stage, maybe. I didn't know what was to come when he waxed so enthusiastic about For Whom the Bell Tolls when I was younger. An affair with a revolutionary named Maria, what else. At one point, he also climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, but didn't shoot anything. Then he took the new girlfriend off to Paris, and I haven't bothered to ask him about the Pernod yet. I love Hemingway too and still try to (unsuccessfully) strive for his concise clarity, but not THAT much.
No more for now because I have a cold (which thankfully does not seem to be cat allergies). I'm so enjoying the new cats. Off to attempt some spaghetti.
The mental health clinic is very much a "Flowers for Algernon" experience- well, not so much in terms of autism as people who simply are unable to function and a few live at a nearby place belonging to the clinic; it reminded me more of a retirement home, combined with a few manic cases who were REALLY on the upswing. All my existential or whatever problems seem completely dwarved. I'm the sole administrator while I'm there, so I'm the first contact for everyone. The people are all really very sweet, both the workers and the clientele, but still eye-opening for me. I think I'm underpaid for mastering so many different systems in a day, but it still pays better than being a TA. May have an interview in the area coming up, fingers crossed, and had a really cool interview last week. Then I can look into some volunteer work when a job's secured. Still some rebellion: wouldn't it be lovely to just stay home and write and read and not need to deal with a corporation. But then have been in touch with a Microcolleague/former colleague, who travels a lot to Europe, which is exciting.
Wednesdays and Fridays seem to be some of the most difficult days in terms of being away from grad school; Mondays bring more a sense of relief.
Tango did not go well. One tanguera out of 7 showed up, and doesn't know how to lead. I have to keep working on that idea and am looking into other dances... in the meantime, here come Iphigenia and Orhan Pamuk.
I call my mother Lady Chatterley now.... she's with a guy who lives in the mountains, worked on her new place up there (her own first property & room of her own) and has bad grammar. He sounds very sweet and I'm glad she's happier at last, but I can't resist calling this her Lady Chatterley stage. On that note, I didn't get why the whole movie is in French when it's a British novel. My dad, on the other hand, has seemed to at last have emerged from his Hemingway stage, maybe. I didn't know what was to come when he waxed so enthusiastic about For Whom the Bell Tolls when I was younger. An affair with a revolutionary named Maria, what else. At one point, he also climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, but didn't shoot anything. Then he took the new girlfriend off to Paris, and I haven't bothered to ask him about the Pernod yet. I love Hemingway too and still try to (unsuccessfully) strive for his concise clarity, but not THAT much.
No more for now because I have a cold (which thankfully does not seem to be cat allergies). I'm so enjoying the new cats. Off to attempt some spaghetti.
Sonntag, 30. September 2007
purple jalapenos
Continuing with Pamuk's Snow, which I've really gotten into.
---------------------------------
At the farmer's market in the rain today, I found a lot of purple things. A couple of purple flowers. Plums (so cold and so sweet). Purple chili peppers. I don't believe I've seen purple chili peppers before, and so decided to photograph them, too. I have found it therapeutic to photograph the things I've found. The market reminds me of a vegetable market I lived near in Berlin and would pass every day. I've missed the city a lot, and have toyed with the idea of returning, but then remember how many people everywhere. At present, getting used to living with cats who came with the cool new roomie is enough action, they're really sweet.
---------------------------------
At the farmer's market in the rain today, I found a lot of purple things. A couple of purple flowers. Plums (so cold and so sweet). Purple chili peppers. I don't believe I've seen purple chili peppers before, and so decided to photograph them, too. I have found it therapeutic to photograph the things I've found. The market reminds me of a vegetable market I lived near in Berlin and would pass every day. I've missed the city a lot, and have toyed with the idea of returning, but then remember how many people everywhere. At present, getting used to living with cats who came with the cool new roomie is enough action, they're really sweet.
"a new lease on life"
Someone said that to me, a number of years ago, but somehow I had refused to believe it. I was so happy, and unwilling/unable to give up the idea that things must change. I had wanted to continue; I was not done. I was in the middle of something integral and important. There were more things to do, and I was at last feeling passionate. I had not experienced that passion before, and the idea that it should end threw me into rebellion. I thought "I'm not done, my lease is the same." And then other things happened which compelled me to cleave to what I knew, regardless of whether those earlier things really knew me-- I don't think they did then or when I came up to them, but perhaps did in retrospect... I don't think I'll ever know. But things change, leases change. What one pays and what one pays for change as well.
I guess that only now, am I really confronting, partially of my own volition, a "new lease on life."
The thing that has been missing is the passion, but I've been trying things and there's room to grow into new things, and develop, as I pull things out of my back pocket.... or Rekalim what was taken.
I guess that only now, am I really confronting, partially of my own volition, a "new lease on life."
The thing that has been missing is the passion, but I've been trying things and there's room to grow into new things, and develop, as I pull things out of my back pocket.... or Rekalim what was taken.
Donnerstag, 27. September 2007
tangueras!
More posts about books later, have been so busy temping and looking for work and other things.
Two found things, which helps.
Finally resorted to putting an ad up looking for a female tango partner, sort of sick of always dancing with men and not being able to practice my lead. Even if most are really nice and very good dancers. Now I have more women on my hands than I know what to do with, and I'm working on setting them most of them up with one another. At last there may be more of a queer female tango scene in blossom here, which makes a difference for me.
First roomie didn't work out, and so I'd needed to find another, and at last that seems settled. The guy is great, reminds me a great deal of a former colleague of mine who I worked abroad with before he took off down the Rhine with his wife and then left to work on the east coast, only this one skis too, has lived in Austria, and is at the same stage I am in terms of jobhunting, etc. Even the same blue eyes and upbeat nature, which I'd missed having around. A lot of uni people were interested, and a lot of grad students in various languages, and also a lot of people from abroad who are moving here, but I figure that if I'm breaking from the U. to do something else, I probably don't want a roomie who's structured around the U., at least not at this point. The other interested sets I got were a lot of post-40 or post-50 divorcees, and also gay men of varous ages who'd recently broken up, some of whom wanted to set up an office in the apartment and actually have clients visit here. Roommate interviews are always interesting in terms of meeting people of different sorts and predilections.
I'm thrilled with the results now, however, even if it took awhile.
Still jobhunting and excited for an upcoming visit to my family members in the states.
Two found things, which helps.
Finally resorted to putting an ad up looking for a female tango partner, sort of sick of always dancing with men and not being able to practice my lead. Even if most are really nice and very good dancers. Now I have more women on my hands than I know what to do with, and I'm working on setting them most of them up with one another. At last there may be more of a queer female tango scene in blossom here, which makes a difference for me.
First roomie didn't work out, and so I'd needed to find another, and at last that seems settled. The guy is great, reminds me a great deal of a former colleague of mine who I worked abroad with before he took off down the Rhine with his wife and then left to work on the east coast, only this one skis too, has lived in Austria, and is at the same stage I am in terms of jobhunting, etc. Even the same blue eyes and upbeat nature, which I'd missed having around. A lot of uni people were interested, and a lot of grad students in various languages, and also a lot of people from abroad who are moving here, but I figure that if I'm breaking from the U. to do something else, I probably don't want a roomie who's structured around the U., at least not at this point. The other interested sets I got were a lot of post-40 or post-50 divorcees, and also gay men of varous ages who'd recently broken up, some of whom wanted to set up an office in the apartment and actually have clients visit here. Roommate interviews are always interesting in terms of meeting people of different sorts and predilections.
I'm thrilled with the results now, however, even if it took awhile.
Still jobhunting and excited for an upcoming visit to my family members in the states.
Mittwoch, 26. September 2007
not there
I'm not at school today, and it feels weird. It's not really a positive or negative feeling, it's just a feeling of not-thereness.
Dienstag, 25. September 2007
smashed fairies
Yesterday I had an evening nap on my futon, and I think it's something I won't do again. I fell asleep while reading about Heidegger, shortly after brushing up on some legal issues. The effect was that I dreamed that I was asleep on the page of an enormous book in which the writing was in German and also upside-down, and there were a few people trying to slam the book shut with me inside of it. Like, splat. When I woke up, the futon had not slammed shut on top of me, but I had to leap right off of it. The whole thing reminded me of Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy Book, where spectres of the imagination really are captured on paper (pictures above and below). I recall one of Stifter's references to a "Fee aus Frankfurt;" in my opinion, the best thing to do with fairies is to let them flit about unmolested.
Sonntag, 23. September 2007
chili peppers
Today I went to the farmer's market, and there I found two chili peppers (which I photographed, below), which cost 25 cents. Some people are really nuts about chili peppers-- they really are fun to look at-- and may even wish to have chili peppers drop into their lap for free. Everything has a price, but I have to say that I found the price of the chili peppers at the farmer's market quite agreeable, and would suggest going there to anyone who lusts after chili peppers of their very own. I have to say that I fantasized about giving everyone in my dept. a chili pepper as a going-away present, but in this day and age, one always worries that such a gesture might be misinterpreted.
Freitag, 21. September 2007
histories of women / of a women's college
Still formulating a response to Alok's "Books Tag."
In the meantime, would like to write about a reading I attended last evening.
This was a well-attended alum gathering at which two alums discussed their work; Alison Baker ('63) talked about her book It's Good to be a Woman, and Susan Johnson talked about her various books about lesbian relationships and lesbian sex, which segued into a large discussion about history, the college, careers, etc. At the time when Johnson attended the college, nobody was out as a lesbian, so there were all of these queer women surrounded by women at a women's college and nobody knew that anyone else was gay, so nothing happened, and people came out of the closet later in life, way after graduating. I find this remarkable. I really enjoyed hearing all of the tales about the place and so on.
Then came a discussion about success and if/how higher degrees translate into making a meaningful impact on the world. Some believed the pressure to get a PhD in something is mostly individual and internalized, others found it endemic to the college and as a part of the sense of responsibilty resulting from the privelege of having attended the college.... A few people prefaced their comments with things like "well, I only have a MA/MD/JD, but..." And one person confessed that getting an MD instead of a PhD felt like copping out, because it is applied. But then the question came up: "the PhD... and then what?" How does that translate into saving the world? A number of people discussed their experiences breaking into male-dominated fields. As I've gotten to know myself better and have read more and more statistics of various sorts (some of which were very difficult to find indeed) and thought more and more about things I'd like to do and am good at, a PhD in the humanities, and in a language/literature where I'm not a native speaker, has seemed less and less of a logical choice, but there is still some core thing that says "I must get my PhD." I wouldn't call it one of my demons, but rather, something to think about and fit better into my objectives as I scout around at a few different fields, to see if it makes sense for the work I want to do, so I guess it's best described as "on hold." A number of people discussed the feeling of intellectual confidence gained from their experiences at the place, and what a supportive environment it was-- it's true, after that, anywhere else seems really chilly. Some of the idea of its supportiveness has come into question for me in the last years after some experiences which made it seem less genuine-- it began to seem to me that it's something which is what people do while there, but the same people may in fact be entirely different in other contexts. I think that one thing which came clear for me is that as a student, you don't see the politics of the place and of the profs and so on, and in grad school, you get a peek behind the curtain, and this can be an enormous shock and even feel betraying, esp. when it's the same people who are suddenly behaving entirely differently, like they've turned into other people entirely. I would not give up a more realistic worldview and view of academia to preserve a sense of naievte, but it's been a struggle that the truth of some experiences has come into question, and I guess the test is whether in light of what I know now, which parts of what I thought I knew then still work.
Anyway, the event really hit the spot in terms of what I'd been missing, in terms of discussion and sharing history and memory, and was quite inspiring to learn about the lives of these women and their career paths. It was also a nice morale boost-- haven't visited the college in years, but wanted to find my way to it or a similar such place eventually. I hope there are more events like it.
In the meantime, the jobhunt is still going on, but recently has been a bit disappointing. I applied to one job at a corporation. First they interviewed me, and that went well, and then they had me take a test which was like a combination of a personality test like the Meyers-Briggs and the SAT, which took about two hours, and the whole thing was in German. So I did that, and they got back to me, and said I was too much of an independent thinker to fit well into the position based on the personality part. But I was careful to answer the question asking whether I unquestioningly trust people in power postions just because they're in those positions positively, just to appear suitable, and now I have a little guilt from that. I don't know. I guess I also very honestly said I don't like to be micro-managed. Then I also tried to get an interview doing admin. work for a very intersting firm. They read my resume and said they thought I'd be bored in that position and was overqualified and didn't even want to interview me. So if I want a job, I guess I have to massacre my resume a bit more and be more of a cookie cutter type. Either that or start working independently. Arrggghhh.
In the meantime, would like to write about a reading I attended last evening.
This was a well-attended alum gathering at which two alums discussed their work; Alison Baker ('63) talked about her book It's Good to be a Woman, and Susan Johnson talked about her various books about lesbian relationships and lesbian sex, which segued into a large discussion about history, the college, careers, etc. At the time when Johnson attended the college, nobody was out as a lesbian, so there were all of these queer women surrounded by women at a women's college and nobody knew that anyone else was gay, so nothing happened, and people came out of the closet later in life, way after graduating. I find this remarkable. I really enjoyed hearing all of the tales about the place and so on.
Then came a discussion about success and if/how higher degrees translate into making a meaningful impact on the world. Some believed the pressure to get a PhD in something is mostly individual and internalized, others found it endemic to the college and as a part of the sense of responsibilty resulting from the privelege of having attended the college.... A few people prefaced their comments with things like "well, I only have a MA/MD/JD, but..." And one person confessed that getting an MD instead of a PhD felt like copping out, because it is applied. But then the question came up: "the PhD... and then what?" How does that translate into saving the world? A number of people discussed their experiences breaking into male-dominated fields. As I've gotten to know myself better and have read more and more statistics of various sorts (some of which were very difficult to find indeed) and thought more and more about things I'd like to do and am good at, a PhD in the humanities, and in a language/literature where I'm not a native speaker, has seemed less and less of a logical choice, but there is still some core thing that says "I must get my PhD." I wouldn't call it one of my demons, but rather, something to think about and fit better into my objectives as I scout around at a few different fields, to see if it makes sense for the work I want to do, so I guess it's best described as "on hold." A number of people discussed the feeling of intellectual confidence gained from their experiences at the place, and what a supportive environment it was-- it's true, after that, anywhere else seems really chilly. Some of the idea of its supportiveness has come into question for me in the last years after some experiences which made it seem less genuine-- it began to seem to me that it's something which is what people do while there, but the same people may in fact be entirely different in other contexts. I think that one thing which came clear for me is that as a student, you don't see the politics of the place and of the profs and so on, and in grad school, you get a peek behind the curtain, and this can be an enormous shock and even feel betraying, esp. when it's the same people who are suddenly behaving entirely differently, like they've turned into other people entirely. I would not give up a more realistic worldview and view of academia to preserve a sense of naievte, but it's been a struggle that the truth of some experiences has come into question, and I guess the test is whether in light of what I know now, which parts of what I thought I knew then still work.
Anyway, the event really hit the spot in terms of what I'd been missing, in terms of discussion and sharing history and memory, and was quite inspiring to learn about the lives of these women and their career paths. It was also a nice morale boost-- haven't visited the college in years, but wanted to find my way to it or a similar such place eventually. I hope there are more events like it.
In the meantime, the jobhunt is still going on, but recently has been a bit disappointing. I applied to one job at a corporation. First they interviewed me, and that went well, and then they had me take a test which was like a combination of a personality test like the Meyers-Briggs and the SAT, which took about two hours, and the whole thing was in German. So I did that, and they got back to me, and said I was too much of an independent thinker to fit well into the position based on the personality part. But I was careful to answer the question asking whether I unquestioningly trust people in power postions just because they're in those positions positively, just to appear suitable, and now I have a little guilt from that. I don't know. I guess I also very honestly said I don't like to be micro-managed. Then I also tried to get an interview doing admin. work for a very intersting firm. They read my resume and said they thought I'd be bored in that position and was overqualified and didn't even want to interview me. So if I want a job, I guess I have to massacre my resume a bit more and be more of a cookie cutter type. Either that or start working independently. Arrggghhh.
Mittwoch, 19. September 2007
Hermann film.
They're making Judith Hermann's book Nichts als Gespenster into a film:
http://www.kino-zeit.de/filme/artikel/7920_nichts-als-gespenster.html
I think this will be good for her international readership and having her books translated into more langauges, even if the film is so-la-la.
I knew that filmmakers had been a large part of the latest Frankfurter Buchmesse-- many were invited and showed up, but had not expected such snappy results.
I've been trying to imagine how the film will work, there are some fabulous landscapes/settings in her book, I wonder if it will have any sort of traveloguey-element. Also, I wonder if they will also attempt to gear it in any way towards U.S. audiences, obviously many literary references will then fall through the cracks. I want to see the special effects, though. Eric Rentschler did a book I want to read all about literature as turned/translated into film. I wonder how many more authors are writing these days with an eye to having their books turned into films, and customizing their work in some ways for that, I imagine that transforming a novel into a film script is quite a task.
I'm excited to give some of the literature I've been exposed to a second, more leisurely reading. My first time through some Stifter, I was in Berlin and have these memories of trying to read Bunte Steine while on the u-bahn schuttling around the city to teach and in turmoil, etc. The prof seemed great and just taking part in a German seminar was quite exciting, and I loved the feeling that really blended in on my way to Dahlem, but at that point I was still taking notes and then going home to look up some words. I've been trying to find my syllabus from that in my files. Now they've built an enormous new egg-shaped library at the FU there, which I'd like to see at some point. Anyway, doing a few pieces again was great.
http://www.kino-zeit.de/filme/artikel/7920_nichts-als-gespenster.html
I think this will be good for her international readership and having her books translated into more langauges, even if the film is so-la-la.
I knew that filmmakers had been a large part of the latest Frankfurter Buchmesse-- many were invited and showed up, but had not expected such snappy results.
I've been trying to imagine how the film will work, there are some fabulous landscapes/settings in her book, I wonder if it will have any sort of traveloguey-element. Also, I wonder if they will also attempt to gear it in any way towards U.S. audiences, obviously many literary references will then fall through the cracks. I want to see the special effects, though. Eric Rentschler did a book I want to read all about literature as turned/translated into film. I wonder how many more authors are writing these days with an eye to having their books turned into films, and customizing their work in some ways for that, I imagine that transforming a novel into a film script is quite a task.
I'm excited to give some of the literature I've been exposed to a second, more leisurely reading. My first time through some Stifter, I was in Berlin and have these memories of trying to read Bunte Steine while on the u-bahn schuttling around the city to teach and in turmoil, etc. The prof seemed great and just taking part in a German seminar was quite exciting, and I loved the feeling that really blended in on my way to Dahlem, but at that point I was still taking notes and then going home to look up some words. I've been trying to find my syllabus from that in my files. Now they've built an enormous new egg-shaped library at the FU there, which I'd like to see at some point. Anyway, doing a few pieces again was great.
Dienstag, 18. September 2007
de jour
One quote of the day that I really enjoyed:
The important work of moving the world forward does not wait to be done by perfect men. - George Eliot
Testing... I think I got it to copy right this time, from the "cartoon of the day" service.
Sonntag, 16. September 2007
peace, man.
Today I've been working on letting go of things that have bothered me.
First I tried a meditation ritual.
Then I burned some things-- but not my or anyone else's property.
Then I went to get fresh vegetables, in the rain.
I wonder if it is possible to let go of everything that has ever bothered one in one's life.
Generally, I try to be pretty peaceful. The only thing I've ever owned that might qualify as a weapon was a swiss army knife with my name emblazoned on it, so if I did anything with it, everyone would know who it belonged to. Well, they confiscated it at the airport one time and now I have nothing which would qualify as a weapon. I was a bit resentful of airport security at the time, but got over it, I think.
On a whim, I visited an astrologer I had a free visitation card for the other day. She first did my rising and moon signs, aquarius and pisces, and then told me I was holding onto grudges because I'm a scorpio and that I just needed to let things go. I was like, "na, und?" (but in English). That is pretty clear to me already.
I've also decided to spend less time on the computer in general, with a 12pm computer curfew.
Onwards onto a more peaceful existence.
First I tried a meditation ritual.
Then I burned some things-- but not my or anyone else's property.
Then I went to get fresh vegetables, in the rain.
I wonder if it is possible to let go of everything that has ever bothered one in one's life.
Generally, I try to be pretty peaceful. The only thing I've ever owned that might qualify as a weapon was a swiss army knife with my name emblazoned on it, so if I did anything with it, everyone would know who it belonged to. Well, they confiscated it at the airport one time and now I have nothing which would qualify as a weapon. I was a bit resentful of airport security at the time, but got over it, I think.
On a whim, I visited an astrologer I had a free visitation card for the other day. She first did my rising and moon signs, aquarius and pisces, and then told me I was holding onto grudges because I'm a scorpio and that I just needed to let things go. I was like, "na, und?" (but in English). That is pretty clear to me already.
I've also decided to spend less time on the computer in general, with a 12pm computer curfew.
Onwards onto a more peaceful existence.
Mittwoch, 12. September 2007
Persepolis & Iran
Yesterday read the entirety of Persepolis in the bathtub. Before when I heard the name, I thought of the Assyrians and a bunch of ruins. I've had the pleasure of standing in a lot of ruins of things in Turkey, but would be interested to travel to Iran sometime. Anyway, I thought the book was terrific-- major life themes combined with some education about the historical and present situation in Iran, as well as the debates surrounding veils. When it comes to veils or any sort of gagging, I think it should be a personal choice. It really helped to put some things into perspective to read, and relates well to the current issues of lesbians and gay men who seek asylum from Iran elsewhere-- sometimes asylum is granted, sometimes it's really a fight to achieve-- the recent story about Iranians seeking asylum in the UK demonstrates this. Also, it made me think again about the film, Another Skin, which is about a lesbian from Iran who tries to escape, is unable to, and ends up living in Frankfurt illegally, risking deportation at any moment; her previous girlfriend was killed, I believe. The film's in German. Love can be sinful indeed; on that scale, I have to confess to being interested in international queer rights. Anyway, it was very interesting to see what happened in Iran and shocking as well, esp. on the anniversary of 9/11. I had a relative too who was imprisoned, he was a prisoner in Moscow during WWII, was there for years, and when he returned to Germany, never talked about his experiences, though from what I understand they were pretty horrific. Some things are really worth fighting for, others not so much. Nothing like being falsely and ridiculously accused of some things to make one giggle, as though I'm some sort of ueber-former-student or something on whom one can blame all one's issues-- almost wish I could take credit for a lot of things, though any attempt at research would reveal I can't, though maybe someone has been impersonating me. There are strong cases, and then there are cases which really have no legs to stand on-- one has to pity people who need to beat up on others who are less powerful in some ways in order to feel better about themselves or their relationship, persuade others to do all their dirty work by pulling pity acts, and never take rudimentary steps of discussion, confrontation, or mediation when they have a problem. Fortunately, living in the US, I do have a right to freedom of speech, among other things. I guess one thing I might be accused of is sometimes needing fashion police... anyway, here's how the fashion police work in Persepolis, as a group of thugs who look like nuns:
There's also a film, which I haven't found in English yet, but here's a clip:
On the matter of clothing... if one is prohibited from contact in "any fashion," it seems like everyone would have to be naked to have a talk.
Sonntag, 9. September 2007
reading material
Oh how I love iGoogle. I've been able to subscribe to the New Yorker, and get a new cartoon in my box every day. Some I wish I could share, but they're copy-and-paste-proof, it seems. I can also subscribe to EMMA and Perlentaucher online, as well as Spiegel & the Economist. Too much fun. All of this, however, makes me think of my roomie again in the bathroom with his magazines. If almost everything is available electronically, will someone start putting computer screens in bathrooms, so they're not just advertised as "bathroom, w/bath & shower" but "wireless bathroom w/waterproof pentium pc in porcelan"? I have seen waterproof computers advertised that can be taken into the bath, swimming pool, or sauna.
I also get some interesting quotes each day:
War is a cowardly escape from the problems of peace. - Thomas Mann
Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone. - Gertrude Stein
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
I also get some interesting quotes each day:
War is a cowardly escape from the problems of peace. - Thomas Mann
Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone. - Gertrude Stein
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
Freitag, 7. September 2007
scrabble/scramble
Two job interviews, one of which I'm not at liberty to discuss at all. The latter has, however, forced me to ask myself what sort of patriot I truly am. Hmph.
Temping sort of sucked yesterday. They actually sent me home to change my clothing; the agency had told me business casual, but when I arrived there, everyone was in business formal. Like anyone could even find me if they tried, tucked back away in a cubicle filing things I was not given enough dividers to do while everyone else watched Oprah. The other jobs have all been interesting in their own ways, but the experience such as yesterday's have made me anxious to accelerate my jobhunt.
I haven't read anything interesting aside from the news today, because I discovered on-line scrabble-- my favorite game of all time-- and some college pals and I have been at it and now I'm sucked into the online scrabble world.
I feel like in leaving grad school, I'm emerging from an entirely different galaxy in which my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, my work, and even my body and my needs, had become my own worst enemy; they could not protect me and were actually the cause of being hurt. At least I'm not having as many nightmares these days, guess I feel more safe.
Temping sort of sucked yesterday. They actually sent me home to change my clothing; the agency had told me business casual, but when I arrived there, everyone was in business formal. Like anyone could even find me if they tried, tucked back away in a cubicle filing things I was not given enough dividers to do while everyone else watched Oprah. The other jobs have all been interesting in their own ways, but the experience such as yesterday's have made me anxious to accelerate my jobhunt.
I haven't read anything interesting aside from the news today, because I discovered on-line scrabble-- my favorite game of all time-- and some college pals and I have been at it and now I'm sucked into the online scrabble world.
I feel like in leaving grad school, I'm emerging from an entirely different galaxy in which my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, my work, and even my body and my needs, had become my own worst enemy; they could not protect me and were actually the cause of being hurt. At least I'm not having as many nightmares these days, guess I feel more safe.
Dienstag, 4. September 2007
bathroom reading
Not going to try to relate this one to Stifter.
Oh, I will miss my roomie. Phew, but still.
At some point, he started leaving all sorts of magazines in the bathroom to read while taking care of business. Sports Illustrated, his alum magazine, etc. etc. Sometimes I had the urge to take them out so that he would not take so long in there. But then I worried about what would happen if we one day ran out of toilet paper, and decided that I would put some things in there too. My alumnae magazine. Then I decided to put in some short reading material that I wouldn't mind if I dropped in water to read while taking a bath. So I put in Imre Kertesz's Kaddish for a Child Unborn, close to the time when I was leaving my program, thinking it was good reading for letting go of the diss idea for the time being. There are some worlds where one should be careful with one's nascent ideas. So a pal came to visit, and was like, "I'm so sorry, I hope it didn't hurt too much." I was like "what?" It turned out they'd thought I'd had an abortion, like a real one rather than a theoretical one. All because of that book. I guess my roomie grew up keeping only the most important and holy literature in the bathroom. I didn't realize how implicating literature can be, and so when posting pics of my place for a new roomie, was careful not to show many titles.
That's what I've been busy with for the last week, and finally resorted to some new means of advertising, some of ideas of which came from my temp work with real estate people. Which was fun-- they had me looking up wineries in the state and so on.
Oh, I will miss my roomie. Phew, but still.
At some point, he started leaving all sorts of magazines in the bathroom to read while taking care of business. Sports Illustrated, his alum magazine, etc. etc. Sometimes I had the urge to take them out so that he would not take so long in there. But then I worried about what would happen if we one day ran out of toilet paper, and decided that I would put some things in there too. My alumnae magazine. Then I decided to put in some short reading material that I wouldn't mind if I dropped in water to read while taking a bath. So I put in Imre Kertesz's Kaddish for a Child Unborn, close to the time when I was leaving my program, thinking it was good reading for letting go of the diss idea for the time being. There are some worlds where one should be careful with one's nascent ideas. So a pal came to visit, and was like, "I'm so sorry, I hope it didn't hurt too much." I was like "what?" It turned out they'd thought I'd had an abortion, like a real one rather than a theoretical one. All because of that book. I guess my roomie grew up keeping only the most important and holy literature in the bathroom. I didn't realize how implicating literature can be, and so when posting pics of my place for a new roomie, was careful not to show many titles.
That's what I've been busy with for the last week, and finally resorted to some new means of advertising, some of ideas of which came from my temp work with real estate people. Which was fun-- they had me looking up wineries in the state and so on.
Donnerstag, 30. August 2007
turkey: collage & slideshow
Nothing to do with Stifter.
a collage of my voyage to Turkey, have finally made a web album. check, check, check off of my to-do list. a few other places up next... in the meantime, here's the slideshow-- still working on labels & the map, but the basic pics, below. I visited, in this order: Antalya, Olympia, Cappadoccia, Istanbul, Troy (with a view of Lesbos further down the coast), Selcuk, Pergamum and the Aescleipon, Ephesus, and the beach and treehouses southwest of Antalya.
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