cloud jumping

exciting last few days.

Rilke, well-done. While I think the work is enough to immerse oneself in on its own and the words wash well over one, the mention of him still reminds me of Adrienne Rich's "Paula Becker to Clara Westhoff." In any event, the reading felt like the right thing at the right time, and I'm not going to try to capture the nuances here, except to say bravo.

I could also hand out a few business cards along the way, and see a few people I knew, good to catch up.

Sometimes one wonders how one ended up where one is, and what one has actually been looking for. I think I had thought I would be taking part in a discourse that was larger than myself when I started here, and perhaps also find some sense of family. That's not really what grad school is about, I have realized. A little numb at some levels still, I think.

Still enganglements.... while in my program, I had gotten out of and then, during my jobhunt, came back into, the habit of mentioning where I did my undergrad. And so someone was asking me about myself and so I said where I'd gone then bit my lip; of course it all comes up again...

[Beginning]
"OH!!!!! Do you know __________ ?"
"um..... well, only tangentally, have only heard good things about ... "
"she's the ______ head there, she came from ______ and we had her as an exchange student, we were her host family! You really don't know her?"
"no, not very well, but have only heard good things-- of course, I was an English major. I do, however know _______ ____, who went here maybe 20 years ago."
"Yes, yes, well you should meet ______ ________ if you don't know her yet. A big figure in the field, and in the program! We were her host family here. Did you have a host family in Germany?"
"no, but you meet people along the way. Did you have other foreign students stay with you too? that's a great thing to do, especially if you have kids."
"Yes, lots, from everywhere. You mean you had to find your own place to live in Germany and everything?"
"yes, but one learns a lot." (no! there is nobody watching out for one over there! nobody gives a damn about grad students! but you seem nice, and I should give you my business card just in case.) "here's my business card in case you know anyone who is looking for someone like me."
[End]

I had almost forgotten or blocked out being simply hit over the head with one person at every turn, to the point where I felt harassed I can only now believe I never really knew. Now, everything is better for me.
Anyway.....
an enjoyable evening and then went tango dancing.

Good job interviews these days. I've learned to look at the company as a whole in some cases more than just the position, because it seems like one can really move around over time.

Didn't do jalapenos this weekend because was busy inhaling some culture with the most wonderful new pal, the queer filmfest- spiderlilies, about a tattoo artist and earthquake, was pretty bad, and one called crash pad with some of the absolutely worst lesbian sex I've seen in my life. but there's a vibrant and glorious theatre scene here I hadn't discovered before, and lovely to get out and to begin to have more of the sort of life I want, neat how good company can magnify everything; the good places and good productions seem even better, the not so good ones seem worse. had not realized how hard it can be to make friends here, but it indeed can be, and having made some new ones recently has been gratifying and lovely.

"a new lease on life"

Someone said that to me, a number of years ago, but somehow I had refused to believe it. I was so happy, and unwilling/unable to give up the idea that things must change. I had wanted to continue; I was not done. I was in the middle of something integral and important. There were more things to do, and I was at last feeling passionate. I had not experienced that passion before, and the idea that it should end threw me into rebellion. I thought "I'm not done, my lease is the same." And then other things happened which compelled me to cleave to what I knew, regardless of whether those earlier things really knew me-- I don't think they did then or when I came up to them, but perhaps did in retrospect... I don't think I'll ever know. But things change, leases change. What one pays and what one pays for change as well.

I guess that only now, am I really confronting, partially of my own volition, a "new lease on life."
The thing that has been missing is the passion, but I've been trying things and there's room to grow into new things, and develop, as I pull things out of my back pocket.... or Rekalim what was taken.

de jour

One quote of the day that I really enjoyed:

The important work of moving the world forward does not wait to be done by perfect men. - George Eliot

Testing... I think I got it to copy right this time, from the "cartoon of the day" service.

New Yorker Cartoon

by Henry Martin

peace, man.

Today I've been working on letting go of things that have bothered me.
First I tried a meditation ritual.
Then I burned some things-- but not my or anyone else's property.
Then I went to get fresh vegetables, in the rain.

I wonder if it is possible to let go of everything that has ever bothered one in one's life.

Generally, I try to be pretty peaceful. The only thing I've ever owned that might qualify as a weapon was a swiss army knife with my name emblazoned on it, so if I did anything with it, everyone would know who it belonged to. Well, they confiscated it at the airport one time and now I have nothing which would qualify as a weapon. I was a bit resentful of airport security at the time, but got over it, I think.

On a whim, I visited an astrologer I had a free visitation card for the other day. She first did my rising and moon signs, aquarius and pisces, and then told me I was holding onto grudges because I'm a scorpio and that I just needed to let things go. I was like, "na, und?" (but in English). That is pretty clear to me already.

I've also decided to spend less time on the computer in general, with a 12pm computer curfew.

Onwards onto a more peaceful existence.

Persepolis & Iran

Yesterday read the entirety of Persepolis in the bathtub. Before when I heard the name, I thought of the Assyrians and a bunch of ruins. I've had the pleasure of standing in a lot of ruins of things in Turkey, but would be interested to travel to Iran sometime. Anyway, I thought the book was terrific-- major life themes combined with some education about the historical and present situation in Iran, as well as the debates surrounding veils. When it comes to veils or any sort of gagging, I think it should be a personal choice. It really helped to put some things into perspective to read, and relates well to the current issues of lesbians and gay men who seek asylum from Iran elsewhere-- sometimes asylum is granted, sometimes it's really a fight to achieve-- the recent story about Iranians seeking asylum in the UK demonstrates this. Also, it made me think again about the film, Another Skin, which is about a lesbian from Iran who tries to escape, is unable to, and ends up living in Frankfurt illegally, risking deportation at any moment; her previous girlfriend was killed, I believe. The film's in German.

Love can be sinful indeed; on that scale, I have to confess to being interested in international queer rights. Anyway, it was very interesting to see what happened in Iran and shocking as well, esp. on the anniversary of 9/11. I had a relative too who was imprisoned, he was a prisoner in Moscow during WWII, was there for years, and when he returned to Germany, never talked about his experiences, though from what I understand they were pretty horrific. Some things are really worth fighting for, others not so much. Nothing like being falsely and ridiculously accused of some things to make one giggle, as though I'm some sort of ueber-former-student or something on whom one can blame all one's issues-- almost wish I could take credit for a lot of things, though any attempt at research would reveal I can't, though maybe someone has been impersonating me. There are strong cases, and then there are cases which really have no legs to stand on-- one has to pity people who need to beat up on others who are less powerful in some ways in order to feel better about themselves or their relationship, persuade others to do all their dirty work by pulling pity acts, and never take rudimentary steps of discussion, confrontation, or mediation when they have a problem. Fortunately, living in the US, I do have a right to freedom of speech, among other things. I guess one thing I might be accused of is sometimes needing fashion police... anyway, here's how the fashion police work in Persepolis, as a group of thugs who look like nuns:

There's also a film, which I haven't found in English yet, but here's a clip:

On the matter of clothing... if one is prohibited from contact in "any fashion," it seems like everyone would have to be naked to have a talk.