environmentalism & portland

again, a more personal post.

Just returned from Portland. It was my first time there. It actually feels very European; there's a river down the middle of it and several bridges. Reminded me of Cuxhaven, oddly, with the shops on the waterfront, and also of Muenster; it's the city of roses, and Muenster is very rose-like as it expands from the center, and it is more closely the same size as Muenster than Seattle ever was. There are also a number of hiking trails right out of the city, and several different Stadtteile. Also, visited the bookstore and art museum, and found out all about the opera and tango and queer scenes (strong on all fronts), still need to investigate the academic scene but saved that for later because just didn't have the emotional energy to do it then. A bit warmer than Seattle; reassuring as I always seem to be cold. We saw a documentary called "Corn King" which was very interesting & good; one of the filmmakers was there and talked about it a bit. Went to dinner with a guy who had also made a documentary which is supposedly even better than "Corn King" which was a the Berlinale and all over Germany, but the Germans didn't really take to it. He loves Herzog and Fassbinder too! We bonded. I've been thinking a lot about how environmentalism in Germany differs from environmentalism in the USA. While the USA has many grassroots and granola efforts which are largely tied in with community and communal identity, in Germany it seems more to be public policy and one of those things which people just do because, well, it's the rules. Germans are I think like, granola movements, WTF? Though "We Feed the World" went over well.

I feel a bit melted/geschmolzen, probably for a variety of reasons. On Thurs. saw "My one night stand with breast cancer" with my new pal (the actress ran around without a shirt at the end), and afterwards we traded some life stories. It brought up a lot of things for me, a lot of losses and losses for her too, but underneath it survival and finding things. A good discussion.... I've decided to invite her to the next alum event.

Then in Portland stayed with someone who's been a friend for 9 years, but sporadic contact in the last 4 or so. That was very good, she's surrounded with good people, all free spirits. We were camp counselors together, and she's always been very intense. She's in a religious cult now and travels often to south america to lead ceremonies. Her family is the community she has created around her: her husband and the other members, some of whom live and others of whom gather at her house to do singing and rituals, or "works." The whole experience of being around her and others made me think more about my spiritual life. I guess my work in literature was how I had been trying to make meaning of things combined with the occasional sauna visit and some baths, but then all of it came into question, which is perhaps very normal. The other thing was that she knew me and she knew my family when it was whole, before the divorce, and she also knew me when I was leaving dedications on top of mountains to a professor who had inspired me. What she thinks now is that I killed the professor's firstborn in some former life and that generated some bad karma which she's now getting me back for. My friend and I had led some hikes and backpacks together. That whole summer and year before I left for Germany for the first time seems so idyllic to me now. I think when I left for the first time, I thought I was going somewhere I would feel safe, where people were honest to a fault, and somewhere where I had distant geneological ties, and while the idea of now really safety and honesty depends, both geneological and friendship ties there have certainly deepened.

Then I returned to Seattle today and had to cry again about the whole academic death and where-the-hell-do-I-belong thing, but now am better. It's okay to feel that one has no home. I just have a hard time adjusting to life without Germanistik. But other things come to mind, for example, Muenchener Freiheit's song "Du bist Energie fuer mich" which one of my 55-year old flings introduced me to while I was in Muenster. Also, the whole Don Quixote thing. I feel that my academic career has been much about chasing after windmills. Why not just manufacture the damn windmills and make a profit, and make them clearly a post which would withstand anything and which nobody would mistake for anything, than chase after them?

anyway, the interview went well and the guy can wait a few months for me to organize a move. just have a week to decide about it.