Sonntag, 30. September 2007

purple jalapenos

Continuing with Pamuk's Snow, which I've really gotten into.

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At the farmer's market in the rain today, I found a lot of purple things. A couple of purple flowers. Plums (so cold and so sweet). Purple chili peppers. I don't believe I've seen purple chili peppers before, and so decided to photograph them, too. I have found it therapeutic to photograph the things I've found. The market reminds me of a vegetable market I lived near in Berlin and would pass every day. I've missed the city a lot, and have toyed with the idea of returning, but then remember how many people everywhere. At present, getting used to living with cats who came with the cool new roomie is enough action, they're really sweet.


"a new lease on life"

Someone said that to me, a number of years ago, but somehow I had refused to believe it. I was so happy, and unwilling/unable to give up the idea that things must change. I had wanted to continue; I was not done. I was in the middle of something integral and important. There were more things to do, and I was at last feeling passionate. I had not experienced that passion before, and the idea that it should end threw me into rebellion. I thought "I'm not done, my lease is the same." And then other things happened which compelled me to cleave to what I knew, regardless of whether those earlier things really knew me-- I don't think they did then or when I came up to them, but perhaps did in retrospect... I don't think I'll ever know. But things change, leases change. What one pays and what one pays for change as well.

I guess that only now, am I really confronting, partially of my own volition, a "new lease on life."
The thing that has been missing is the passion, but I've been trying things and there's room to grow into new things, and develop, as I pull things out of my back pocket.... or Rekalim what was taken.

Donnerstag, 27. September 2007

tangueras!

More posts about books later, have been so busy temping and looking for work and other things.

Two found things, which helps.

Finally resorted to putting an ad up looking for a female tango partner, sort of sick of always dancing with men and not being able to practice my lead. Even if most are really nice and very good dancers. Now I have more women on my hands than I know what to do with, and I'm working on setting them most of them up with one another. At last there may be more of a queer female tango scene in blossom here, which makes a difference for me.



First roomie didn't work out, and so I'd needed to find another, and at last that seems settled. The guy is great, reminds me a great deal of a former colleague of mine who I worked abroad with before he took off down the Rhine with his wife and then left to work on the east coast, only this one skis too, has lived in Austria, and is at the same stage I am in terms of jobhunting, etc. Even the same blue eyes and upbeat nature, which I'd missed having around. A lot of uni people were interested, and a lot of grad students in various languages, and also a lot of people from abroad who are moving here, but I figure that if I'm breaking from the U. to do something else, I probably don't want a roomie who's structured around the U., at least not at this point. The other interested sets I got were a lot of post-40 or post-50 divorcees, and also gay men of varous ages who'd recently broken up, some of whom wanted to set up an office in the apartment and actually have clients visit here. Roommate interviews are always interesting in terms of meeting people of different sorts and predilections.

I'm thrilled with the results now, however, even if it took awhile.

Still jobhunting and excited for an upcoming visit to my family members in the states.

Mittwoch, 26. September 2007

not there

I'm not at school today, and it feels weird. It's not really a positive or negative feeling, it's just a feeling of not-thereness.

Dienstag, 25. September 2007

smashed fairies


Yesterday I had an evening nap on my futon, and I think it's something I won't do again. I fell asleep while reading about Heidegger, shortly after brushing up on some legal issues. The effect was that I dreamed that I was asleep on the page of an enormous book in which the writing was in German and also upside-down, and there were a few people trying to slam the book shut with me inside of it. Like, splat. When I woke up, the futon had not slammed shut on top of me, but I had to leap right off of it. The whole thing reminded me of Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy Book, where spectres of the imagination really are captured on paper (pictures above and below). I recall one of Stifter's references to a "Fee aus Frankfurt;" in my opinion, the best thing to do with fairies is to let them flit about unmolested.



Sonntag, 23. September 2007

chili peppers

Today I went to the farmer's market, and there I found two chili peppers (which I photographed, below), which cost 25 cents. Some people are really nuts about chili peppers-- they really are fun to look at-- and may even wish to have chili peppers drop into their lap for free. Everything has a price, but I have to say that I found the price of the chili peppers at the farmer's market quite agreeable, and would suggest going there to anyone who lusts after chili peppers of their very own. I have to say that I fantasized about giving everyone in my dept. a chili pepper as a going-away present, but in this day and age, one always worries that such a gesture might be misinterpreted.


Freitag, 21. September 2007

histories of women / of a women's college

Still formulating a response to Alok's "Books Tag."

In the meantime, would like to write about a reading I attended last evening.

This was a well-attended alum gathering at which two alums discussed their work; Alison Baker ('63) talked about her book It's Good to be a Woman, and Susan Johnson talked about her various books about lesbian relationships and lesbian sex, which segued into a large discussion about history, the college, careers, etc. At the time when Johnson attended the college, nobody was out as a lesbian, so there were all of these queer women surrounded by women at a women's college and nobody knew that anyone else was gay, so nothing happened, and people came out of the closet later in life, way after graduating. I find this remarkable. I really enjoyed hearing all of the tales about the place and so on.

Then came a discussion about success and if/how higher degrees translate into making a meaningful impact on the world. Some believed the pressure to get a PhD in something is mostly individual and internalized, others found it endemic to the college and as a part of the sense of responsibilty resulting from the privelege of having attended the college.... A few people prefaced their comments with things like "well, I only have a MA/MD/JD, but..." And one person confessed that getting an MD instead of a PhD felt like copping out, because it is applied. But then the question came up: "the PhD... and then what?" How does that translate into saving the world? A number of people discussed their experiences breaking into male-dominated fields. As I've gotten to know myself better and have read more and more statistics of various sorts (some of which were very difficult to find indeed) and thought more and more about things I'd like to do and am good at, a PhD in the humanities, and in a language/literature where I'm not a native speaker, has seemed less and less of a logical choice, but there is still some core thing that says "I must get my PhD." I wouldn't call it one of my demons, but rather, something to think about and fit better into my objectives as I scout around at a few different fields, to see if it makes sense for the work I want to do, so I guess it's best described as "on hold." A number of people discussed the feeling of intellectual confidence gained from their experiences at the place, and what a supportive environment it was-- it's true, after that, anywhere else seems really chilly. Some of the idea of its supportiveness has come into question for me in the last years after some experiences which made it seem less genuine-- it began to seem to me that it's something which is what people do while there, but the same people may in fact be entirely different in other contexts. I think that one thing which came clear for me is that as a student, you don't see the politics of the place and of the profs and so on, and in grad school, you get a peek behind the curtain, and this can be an enormous shock and even feel betraying, esp. when it's the same people who are suddenly behaving entirely differently, like they've turned into other people entirely. I would not give up a more realistic worldview and view of academia to preserve a sense of naievte, but it's been a struggle that the truth of some experiences has come into question, and I guess the test is whether in light of what I know now, which parts of what I thought I knew then still work.

Anyway, the event really hit the spot in terms of what I'd been missing, in terms of discussion and sharing history and memory, and was quite inspiring to learn about the lives of these women and their career paths. It was also a nice morale boost-- haven't visited the college in years, but wanted to find my way to it or a similar such place eventually. I hope there are more events like it.

In the meantime, the jobhunt is still going on, but recently has been a bit disappointing. I applied to one job at a corporation. First they interviewed me, and that went well, and then they had me take a test which was like a combination of a personality test like the Meyers-Briggs and the SAT, which took about two hours, and the whole thing was in German. So I did that, and they got back to me, and said I was too much of an independent thinker to fit well into the position based on the personality part. But I was careful to answer the question asking whether I unquestioningly trust people in power postions just because they're in those positions positively, just to appear suitable, and now I have a little guilt from that. I don't know. I guess I also very honestly said I don't like to be micro-managed. Then I also tried to get an interview doing admin. work for a very intersting firm. They read my resume and said they thought I'd be bored in that position and was overqualified and didn't even want to interview me. So if I want a job, I guess I have to massacre my resume a bit more and be more of a cookie cutter type. Either that or start working independently. Arrggghhh.

Mittwoch, 19. September 2007

Hermann film.

They're making Judith Hermann's book Nichts als Gespenster into a film:
http://www.kino-zeit.de/filme/artikel/7920_nichts-als-gespenster.html
I think this will be good for her international readership and having her books translated into more langauges, even if the film is so-la-la.

I knew that filmmakers had been a large part of the latest Frankfurter Buchmesse-- many were invited and showed up, but had not expected such snappy results.

I've been trying to imagine how the film will work, there are some fabulous landscapes/settings in her book, I wonder if it will have any sort of traveloguey-element. Also, I wonder if they will also attempt to gear it in any way towards U.S. audiences, obviously many literary references will then fall through the cracks. I want to see the special effects, though. Eric Rentschler did a book I want to read all about literature as turned/translated into film. I wonder how many more authors are writing these days with an eye to having their books turned into films, and customizing their work in some ways for that, I imagine that transforming a novel into a film script is quite a task.

I'm excited to give some of the literature I've been exposed to a second, more leisurely reading. My first time through some Stifter, I was in Berlin and have these memories of trying to read Bunte Steine while on the u-bahn schuttling around the city to teach and in turmoil, etc. The prof seemed great and just taking part in a German seminar was quite exciting, and I loved the feeling that really blended in on my way to Dahlem, but at that point I was still taking notes and then going home to look up some words. I've been trying to find my syllabus from that in my files. Now they've built an enormous new egg-shaped library at the FU there, which I'd like to see at some point. Anyway, doing a few pieces again was great.

Dienstag, 18. September 2007

de jour

One quote of the day that I really enjoyed:
The important work of moving the world forward does not wait to be done by perfect men. - George Eliot
Testing... I think I got it to copy right this time, from the "cartoon of the day" service.

New Yorker Cartoon
“And, like a fool, I said, ‘So sue me.’ ”, Cartoon Bank, Cartoonbank, New Yorker Magazine, New Yorker Cartoon, New Yorker Cover, New Yorkistan, New Yorker 2008 Desk Diary, New Yorker Desk Diary, Naked Cartoonist, Bob Mankoff, Robert Mankoff, Roz Chast, Saul Steinberg, Peter Arno, Jack Ziegler, Leo Cullum, Lee Lorenz, Charles Barsotti, Peter Steiner, Mick Stevens, Bruce Eric Kaplan, Charles Addams, Danny Shanahan, Golf Cartoons, Baseball Cartoons, Kids Cartoons, Technology Cartoons, Money Cartoons, Business Cartoons, Cartoon licensing, Thursday's out
by Henry Martin

Sonntag, 16. September 2007

peace, man.

Today I've been working on letting go of things that have bothered me.
First I tried a meditation ritual.
Then I burned some things-- but not my or anyone else's property.
Then I went to get fresh vegetables, in the rain.

I wonder if it is possible to let go of everything that has ever bothered one in one's life.

Generally, I try to be pretty peaceful. The only thing I've ever owned that might qualify as a weapon was a swiss army knife with my name emblazoned on it, so if I did anything with it, everyone would know who it belonged to. Well, they confiscated it at the airport one time and now I have nothing which would qualify as a weapon. I was a bit resentful of airport security at the time, but got over it, I think.

On a whim, I visited an astrologer I had a free visitation card for the other day. She first did my rising and moon signs, aquarius and pisces, and then told me I was holding onto grudges because I'm a scorpio and that I just needed to let things go. I was like, "na, und?" (but in English). That is pretty clear to me already.

I've also decided to spend less time on the computer in general, with a 12pm computer curfew.

Onwards onto a more peaceful existence.

Mittwoch, 12. September 2007

Persepolis & Iran

Yesterday read the entirety of Persepolis in the bathtub. Before when I heard the name, I thought of the Assyrians and a bunch of ruins. I've had the pleasure of standing in a lot of ruins of things in Turkey, but would be interested to travel to Iran sometime. Anyway, I thought the book was terrific-- major life themes combined with some education about the historical and present situation in Iran, as well as the debates surrounding veils. When it comes to veils or any sort of gagging, I think it should be a personal choice. It really helped to put some things into perspective to read, and relates well to the current issues of lesbians and gay men who seek asylum from Iran elsewhere-- sometimes asylum is granted, sometimes it's really a fight to achieve-- the recent story about Iranians seeking asylum in the UK demonstrates this. Also, it made me think again about the film, Another Skin, which is about a lesbian from Iran who tries to escape, is unable to, and ends up living in Frankfurt illegally, risking deportation at any moment; her previous girlfriend was killed, I believe. The film's in German.
Love can be sinful indeed; on that scale, I have to confess to being interested in international queer rights. Anyway, it was very interesting to see what happened in Iran and shocking as well, esp. on the anniversary of 9/11. I had a relative too who was imprisoned, he was a prisoner in Moscow during WWII, was there for years, and when he returned to Germany, never talked about his experiences, though from what I understand they were pretty horrific. Some things are really worth fighting for, others not so much. Nothing like being falsely and ridiculously accused of some things to make one giggle, as though I'm some sort of ueber-former-student or something on whom one can blame all one's issues-- almost wish I could take credit for a lot of things, though any attempt at research would reveal I can't, though maybe someone has been impersonating me. There are strong cases, and then there are cases which really have no legs to stand on-- one has to pity people who need to beat up on others who are less powerful in some ways in order to feel better about themselves or their relationship, persuade others to do all their dirty work by pulling pity acts, and never take rudimentary steps of discussion, confrontation, or mediation when they have a problem. Fortunately, living in the US, I do have a right to freedom of speech, among other things. I guess one thing I might be accused of is sometimes needing fashion police... anyway, here's how the fashion police work in Persepolis, as a group of thugs who look like nuns:


There's also a film, which I haven't found in English yet, but here's a clip:



On the matter of clothing... if one is prohibited from contact in "any fashion," it seems like everyone would have to be naked to have a talk.

Sonntag, 9. September 2007

reading material

Oh how I love iGoogle. I've been able to subscribe to the New Yorker, and get a new cartoon in my box every day. Some I wish I could share, but they're copy-and-paste-proof, it seems. I can also subscribe to EMMA and Perlentaucher online, as well as Spiegel & the Economist. Too much fun. All of this, however, makes me think of my roomie again in the bathroom with his magazines. If almost everything is available electronically, will someone start putting computer screens in bathrooms, so they're not just advertised as "bathroom, w/bath & shower" but "wireless bathroom w/waterproof pentium pc in porcelan"? I have seen waterproof computers advertised that can be taken into the bath, swimming pool, or sauna.



I also get some interesting quotes each day:

War is a cowardly escape from the problems of peace. - Thomas Mann

Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone. - Gertrude Stein

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

Freitag, 7. September 2007

scrabble/scramble

Two job interviews, one of which I'm not at liberty to discuss at all. The latter has, however, forced me to ask myself what sort of patriot I truly am. Hmph.

Temping sort of sucked yesterday. They actually sent me home to change my clothing; the agency had told me business casual, but when I arrived there, everyone was in business formal. Like anyone could even find me if they tried, tucked back away in a cubicle filing things I was not given enough dividers to do while everyone else watched Oprah. The other jobs have all been interesting in their own ways, but the experience such as yesterday's have made me anxious to accelerate my jobhunt.

I haven't read anything interesting aside from the news today, because I discovered on-line scrabble-- my favorite game of all time-- and some college pals and I have been at it and now I'm sucked into the online scrabble world.

I feel like in leaving grad school, I'm emerging from an entirely different galaxy in which my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, my work, and even my body and my needs, had become my own worst enemy; they could not protect me and were actually the cause of being hurt. At least I'm not having as many nightmares these days, guess I feel more safe.

Dienstag, 4. September 2007

bathroom reading

Not going to try to relate this one to Stifter.

Oh, I will miss my roomie. Phew, but still.

At some point, he started leaving all sorts of magazines in the bathroom to read while taking care of business. Sports Illustrated, his alum magazine, etc. etc. Sometimes I had the urge to take them out so that he would not take so long in there. But then I worried about what would happen if we one day ran out of toilet paper, and decided that I would put some things in there too. My alumnae magazine. Then I decided to put in some short reading material that I wouldn't mind if I dropped in water to read while taking a bath. So I put in Imre Kertesz's Kaddish for a Child Unborn, close to the time when I was leaving my program, thinking it was good reading for letting go of the diss idea for the time being. There are some worlds where one should be careful with one's nascent ideas. So a pal came to visit, and was like, "I'm so sorry, I hope it didn't hurt too much." I was like "what?" It turned out they'd thought I'd had an abortion, like a real one rather than a theoretical one. All because of that book. I guess my roomie grew up keeping only the most important and holy literature in the bathroom. I didn't realize how implicating literature can be, and so when posting pics of my place for a new roomie, was careful not to show many titles.

That's what I've been busy with for the last week, and finally resorted to some new means of advertising, some of ideas of which came from my temp work with real estate people. Which was fun-- they had me looking up wineries in the state and so on.