the belmont, ach.

Well, over lunch today I buried myself in the stranger. I found out about this party, for yet another spat of cool things which is being sacrificed to, well, nothing less than condos. So I decided to try to get tickets to the thing after work, because, well, I like the area, and had spent some time in pubs there, back when I was dating much more. The gay male bar was also neat. The tickets had sold out at 9:30am, tickets first went on sale at 8. I guess it was a bit like lemmings going to the pastry shop, because he said there were about 500 people who wanted tickets and couldn't get any, so he said there would likely be a block party outside of the buildings which will meet their demise. At least I got a great fruit tart, but I don't know if I want to be outdoors between 10:30pm and 2 or so, though I may try to stop by if I can find parking somewhere. Condos have really become a thing here; while I was interviewing potential roomies, at least half asked if condos would be going up in front of the place, obscuring the view. I don't know of any. My roomie and I are both moving out, my feeling is that they'll raise the rent for the next tenant. The city is turning into something else entirely.

crystalline and cold

have been getting into technicalities now, of moving, of jobs, of everything, fortunately, all seems to be working out, and beginning to learn more about the industry I'm entering. the thought of it all still makes me happy. doing stuff which has "real world" application. And can even be transplanted to the "windy planet" to sustain life there, I think the "windy planet" is Neptune. I've never moved in a january, and that should be interesting.

reluctant to give up my cool place which I share with my cool roomie and the two nice cats, and also the city and some people here. The art of losing is hard to master....

today worked at the clinic, and sent mom, who's visiting these days for t-day, sightseeing. then we have the weekend to do things. a good Danksfest, I think. good to have mom around, if a times stressful, but glad to have her here.

the days have been crystalline and cold.
but the sun, who can complain, inspires one to get out with a goal of hot spiced cider.

it only took "them" one day after thanksgiving to set up christmas lights and decorations everywhere, can see all the new lights from my balcony. I wonder if I'm expected to decorate as a part of my temp job. I don't want to until about 2 weeks before christmas. Like all these mental health clients with family lives broken every which way need to have a reminder of the impending holiday season when they come for therapy. I think instead I will create a "Christmas free safe zone" in the office, which will involve perhaps one paper snowflake, and that's it. Is that healthy? I don't know. I also need to think about all the kids who come through the clinic, some of them lost or dropped or coping or not coping well at all.

I'm knackered, as penny would say, and sleeping in tomorrow.
Still need to make more friends in my immediate areas, trust still an issue.
Glad to have some of the space I need to set some of the broken parts so they'll be fixed and better to go for the next thing.

sunspots

a good day yesterday, even some spots of sun. busy. a quiet day at work and listened to the Zauberfloete on the computer there all day. c. picked me up from work and we went to have some fondue and something to drink at the b&o on the way home and then did phone conversations and opening things, c had left things all over my room and apartment for me to discover when I returned, and even found a bouquet with jalapenos in it. it was wonderful that she could visit. then went to dinner at the ballroom and met two pals for a drink, but decided to call it an early night because we needed to get up at 5:30 to take c. to the airport; she has to work today. so tonight will be the salsa dancing and today I went to bed after going to the airport and slept really late. people at work somehow found out it was my birthday, and gave me a cupcake, & the temp agency sent me a card. I think that's the first time any workplace has done anything for me on my birthday. I also put my hundertwasser pictures up in my workspace. all the other clinics put their admin. behind glass panels and near escape doors to protect them from the dangerously mentally ill, but I don't have a glass panel or handy escape route unless I try to jump out a window or hide under my desk. I've never really felt unsafe, but yesterday one of the clients who wasn't quite all there kept hitting on me and trying to get a date and asking personal questions. This was in the presence of two other clients, one of whom was blind. So the guy sits down again in the waiting area after I try "I'm busy," "why do you want to know?" and so on, and time elapses. Then the blind client, who could not see that the guy was still there, was like "how uncomfortable" and went off about the incident in front of the guy, who still gave me a leery smile and hinted that he wanted to see me outside of work when he left. it's been interesting work.....

still lots to think about and adjust to. feel like only now can I begin to be objective about my academic work, after getting some distance and breathing space on it, and feeling safer.

I guess I feel like I'm getting old, too.

c. also brought me "galleys" (advance reader's editions, uncorrected bound proofs) of Schlink's Homecoming and Hershon's The German Bride, along with "real" editions of Atwood's Penelopeia, and Hofstaedter's I am a Strange Loop, all of which I'm looking forward to reading.

so, what I'm going to do with that.....

so, took the job.

will move in jan/feb, it looks like. excited about it! negotiated a bit to make a good offer even better. It's almost like I'm a newly hired professor at a "snooty" college, only moving expenses are paid, too. and, the work I'll do is good for the environment and the future, and, I get to travel to Germany sometimes and use all my German skills on a daily basis.

chloe's come to visit for my b-day for a few days. that's been very nice so far, as I have about one friend here now apart from my roommate, and haven't decided what to do to celebrate.

what to do, what to do.

in my program, there were lots of birthdays to celebrate and sometimes we celebrated together. well, I have c. and I have my one friend and I'm sure we can figure something out.
I don't have the day off, given that I've just started a long temp assignment, and usually I need to wind down a bit after work. I'm still working for the mental health people. That's another thing grad school gave me an understanding of: mentally unhealthy people and what it's like to be depressed. C's mentioned how much more relaxed and emontionally healthy I seem now, compared with about every other time she's seen me in the last 6 years. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I have also not gotten to photographing my most recent jalapenos. They're absolutely goregous, and will try to get to it sometime soon, but some of them change colors so may need to get entirely new ones by the weekend.

pleasure reading

another day working in the mental health clinic, it's been pretty easy so far.

Currently reading Zoe Heller's "What was she thinking" and it's very good, sucked me in-- a study in the delusions which power can bring on. Sort of like a British _The Reader_ (by Bernhard Schlink, an excellent book also about power and history), except that in this situation, both the narrator and her subject are teachers. Part of the new move studying how some women actually handle power dynamics-- even the most well-intentioned seeming of them. Somehow it surprises everyone when they do the same things men have been lambasted for doing.

When I read _The Reader_, I think one thing it captured well is the power of being read to, the calming effects of coasting with someone else's voice, touching some sorts of primal and childhood instincts, of storytelling and so on. It is a sort of power of its own, the timbre of another human voice combined with texts from a different time. Can that power alone transcend other power dynamics? I don't know. I guess it depends on the individual.

I realized belatedly that I wore the same clothing to my job interview which I'd found to wear to Troms, and I don't think it was a coincidence. Such mixed feelings about that one. Toiling long and hard over a paper, but not really wanting to let any of my profs abroad read it; still could not trust others with my work much anymore, and no sense of privacy. The feeling that nothing would ever be good enough to escape being valued only for the ability to serve coffee when it all came down to it. The feeling that I needed to do something new and different, but feeling I needed to do endless reading to do it well. Wondering if it was trespassing in some unknown way to be writing about the author I was writing about. Nervousness because it was something I wanted, and an honor at the same time to go there. People were nice, got to know some. Had also there made the mistake of saying where I did my undergrad when talking to one guy, and of course: "oh, do you know _______? is one of the premiere experts on ________....." In that situation, in a far corner of the world, I said yes, and he buddied up to me and I felt weird about it, he was supportive of me and wanted help me with my work. But after that, knowing that he was so close with ___________, I simply could not fork my work over for discussion. Also, I made another mistake: sometimes when I want some sort of grounding, I used to look at the site of my undergrad place, and it would boost my confidence and further inspire me to know what a place it was and to identify with it. So the day before I needed to present my work, I did this, and made a terrible discovery which further demonstrated the incestuousness of academia, when people are hiring their own significant others in their own departments. It was like a blow to the stomach which knocked the wind out of me shortly before I was supposed to present, a discovery which underlined to me that the needs or boundaries or privacy or work of students is never really a factor, and that how hard one works is not a factor either, while it was such a surprise after having sat on a hiring committee and seeing all the vastly talented and accomplished individuals out there who seek such a plum. Perhaps more understated but more violent was the understanding of the pain my mom expressed when my dad lived temporarily with the woman with whom he'd had an affair. Like someone leads you on and dumps you for someone else, at the same time putting them exactly in your spot. At that point, I thought it might be a better idea to simply wander off northwards and disappear over a glacier to unknown parts, never to be seen or heard from again. I didn't do it, obviously, though it might have been the most graceful exuent from the situation. My paper wasn't totally ready; I was overwhelmed by all I felt I needed to accomplish in it and demoralized by the sense of exclusion and being slandered (witch hunts are still alive and well, but live under different terms such as "stalker"-- people set off alarm bells wherever they can to shift blame) which had haunted me since the end of my first year in grad school.

And that I felt I was supposed to compete with people with whom I did not want to compete but who had made so many choices about the situation for me, "in my own best interests," a phrase which is one of the most insulting I can think of. Let me speak for myself, I think. The same people often delude themselves into thinking they're "helping" or "being supportive" when they take the lives of others and grind them into theory or gossip, analyzing them to death-- does it really help the human condition to present papers about others' psychologies, especially without permission of the subject, and when one is not a licensed shrink and can barely handle civility in other circumstances? Who gains from that? Obviously, the presenter just furthers her or his own career, choosing to believe that it is "helping" another, no matter what basic human rights have been violated along the way, the condition of trust between the two, and taking no genuine emotional risk. Further, it's no gesture of "let me hear what you think, and here's what I think" it's designing and inflicting one version of reality at the expense of another, from a position of power. I sound bitter here, and I am bitter.

But I am also hopeful that there are many employments one might have which do do concrete work to better the state of life both now and for the future. That's all for now, just trying to clear myself of some junk... have not felt that my reading has been for "work" these days, and that in turn has made the experience of reading more enjoyable in some ways, and more fun to think about because I don't need to worry about how my thoughts subscribe to different agendas or not or force them to grow up some sort of trellis which becomes ever more narrow at the top.

environmentalism & portland

again, a more personal post.

Just returned from Portland. It was my first time there. It actually feels very European; there's a river down the middle of it and several bridges. Reminded me of Cuxhaven, oddly, with the shops on the waterfront, and also of Muenster; it's the city of roses, and Muenster is very rose-like as it expands from the center, and it is more closely the same size as Muenster than Seattle ever was. There are also a number of hiking trails right out of the city, and several different Stadtteile. Also, visited the bookstore and art museum, and found out all about the opera and tango and queer scenes (strong on all fronts), still need to investigate the academic scene but saved that for later because just didn't have the emotional energy to do it then. A bit warmer than Seattle; reassuring as I always seem to be cold. We saw a documentary called "Corn King" which was very interesting & good; one of the filmmakers was there and talked about it a bit. Went to dinner with a guy who had also made a documentary which is supposedly even better than "Corn King" which was a the Berlinale and all over Germany, but the Germans didn't really take to it. He loves Herzog and Fassbinder too! We bonded. I've been thinking a lot about how environmentalism in Germany differs from environmentalism in the USA. While the USA has many grassroots and granola efforts which are largely tied in with community and communal identity, in Germany it seems more to be public policy and one of those things which people just do because, well, it's the rules. Germans are I think like, granola movements, WTF? Though "We Feed the World" went over well.

I feel a bit melted/geschmolzen, probably for a variety of reasons. On Thurs. saw "My one night stand with breast cancer" with my new pal (the actress ran around without a shirt at the end), and afterwards we traded some life stories. It brought up a lot of things for me, a lot of losses and losses for her too, but underneath it survival and finding things. A good discussion.... I've decided to invite her to the next alum event.

Then in Portland stayed with someone who's been a friend for 9 years, but sporadic contact in the last 4 or so. That was very good, she's surrounded with good people, all free spirits. We were camp counselors together, and she's always been very intense. She's in a religious cult now and travels often to south america to lead ceremonies. Her family is the community she has created around her: her husband and the other members, some of whom live and others of whom gather at her house to do singing and rituals, or "works." The whole experience of being around her and others made me think more about my spiritual life. I guess my work in literature was how I had been trying to make meaning of things combined with the occasional sauna visit and some baths, but then all of it came into question, which is perhaps very normal. The other thing was that she knew me and she knew my family when it was whole, before the divorce, and she also knew me when I was leaving dedications on top of mountains to a professor who had inspired me. What she thinks now is that I killed the professor's firstborn in some former life and that generated some bad karma which she's now getting me back for. My friend and I had led some hikes and backpacks together. That whole summer and year before I left for Germany for the first time seems so idyllic to me now. I think when I left for the first time, I thought I was going somewhere I would feel safe, where people were honest to a fault, and somewhere where I had distant geneological ties, and while the idea of now really safety and honesty depends, both geneological and friendship ties there have certainly deepened.

Then I returned to Seattle today and had to cry again about the whole academic death and where-the-hell-do-I-belong thing, but now am better. It's okay to feel that one has no home. I just have a hard time adjusting to life without Germanistik. But other things come to mind, for example, Muenchener Freiheit's song "Du bist Energie fuer mich" which one of my 55-year old flings introduced me to while I was in Muenster. Also, the whole Don Quixote thing. I feel that my academic career has been much about chasing after windmills. Why not just manufacture the damn windmills and make a profit, and make them clearly a post which would withstand anything and which nobody would mistake for anything, than chase after them?

anyway, the interview went well and the guy can wait a few months for me to organize a move. just have a week to decide about it.

new work

A bit of a whirr. Today started a new longer-term job, one which grew out of a temp job I'd done well and had liked. It does provide a bit more constancy, and is relatively close to home, and pretty interesting.

Today was the first day, had my training, and was all nervous for it. On the way to work, I thought "uohh, moechte jemand, die mich dabei an der Hand halten" like the small children who were paired off always walking in a line near the bus stop at my old work.

It was okay, though, had my training and know what I will do differently and better from how it's being done now. Also opportunities to learn about various psychiatric conditions and other things, and an interesting part of town I'd not visited much before, but close to other parts I know well. The only thing was that I had forgotten my money and cards, like my driver's license, and so didn't really eat much beyond tea all day. But now I've had dinner and am better. I was always one of those kids who needed notes pinned onto her so things wouldn't be forgotten and I wonder how I will do in such a detail-oriented position. As long as there are lists and systems, I should be okay. I go back tomorrow, and then this weekend visit Portland. Still reading Pamuk's Snow.

It was a bit of a shock to look at the schedule and to see one day off for Christmas. I wonder if that means I can't visit my family and maybe ski, an icky thought on a dreary day. Then the person who was training me said that she often wasn't really invited to the christmas parties because the groups she works with can be pretty insular. Any thoughts I had of starting a new Gluehwein and Stolle tradition there vanished. I guess transitions can always involve some anxiety.

More and more, I think that academia is merely structured around protecting abusers and abuse. Honesty, integrity, and the literature itself are not the primary concerns or priorities of the profession, I have learned.

Kinostars

Taken with my low-res webcam, as my normal digital one is out of battery energy.

chorus (they're very finger-like)

habanera (stage left) (it's, well, somewhat clit-like)

stage hands & soufflouer (I'm not really sure they correspond well to any anatomical part)

baritone: (I don't care to discuss what anatomy it may evoke here, beyond thumbs)

(sadly, the bright-red soprano has opted out of the photo session; she has some bite marks as I tried to eat her)

Jalapenos a la Verdi

Today I made it to the farmer's market, and there I did indeed find neon yellow jalapenos. I also got a tomatillo for variety, and a couple of others, too. Perhaps I will do more photographs, because the video didn't turn out to my satisfaction, and I think I need a better camera, though perhaps one gets the idea. It's actually my first video ever. This is all I have time to do a la Verdi and throw up on youtube at the moment, though (you have to turn up the volume):



After the farmer's market (bummed that they don't have flowers there any longer) walked around and got coffee and walked around some more because there are always interesting people on broadway. Then took off to meet a pal at the art gallery, but ha, daylight savings time gets me every time and I was in the gallery at actually 1 then, for a good long while. It was good, took a tour, saw some new current installations, but the piece called "Sin" by von Stueck impresses me each time I see it. Have some new affections for some other pieces as well and fun with my pal.

Yesterday there was a tea dance all about hot flashes. I don't quite make the age cutoff for it. So I've decided to compromise with their age criteria and that after my next birthday, which is this month, I can go as long as I eat a jalapeno or two first to induce some hot flashes, of which I am jealous.

ballerinas

Got to see the ballet with a pal on Halloween, it was great. One piece using a strobe, and the dancer leapt during the dark parts, and so it looked as though he was flying across the stage. That's why things like privacy are so important, I think; it gives one dark places to strive in, unbothered and unselfconsciously. It was also a dress rehearsal, and I think it's one of the first times I've heard ballerinas talk, I mean with their mouths, and more of the process. Very cool. I've so valued having such an improved sense of privacy since being out of my program, it is important and just feel healthier in general. There was another piece where the dancers were dressed in black and white, like prison inmates, but had jalapeno red socks, and then revealed jalapeno red undies, and then some of their entire constumes became entirely red. That was one of my favorite pieces. Once I had a prof who on the first day wore a black and white shirt, looking a bit like a prison inmate.... but her shirt at one point fell to the side, revealing part of a neon yellow brassiere, as though it had been dyed in highlighter yellow. That was impressive and made the first day of class even more exciting.

Well, it's friday. Thought about going to the sauna, but you're not supposed to with alcohol in your system, and I've had a glass of wine. I don't know when they have their dept. meetings this year, but I know that last year, sometimes I needed to go to the sauna afterwards to dispel some tension.

Of course the goal of the jobhunt is to emerge like a ballarina in a great position, and the process goes on.